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Find Love- Keep Love : Romance News : June 2009
Only A Guy Would Think of This...
June 9, 2009 20:56
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at a gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a gift for my wife, Julie. How about a 100,000-volt, pocket-sized tazer? The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs...
AWESOME!!! (I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Right?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device; it was kinda cute, actually (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
Gracie was looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit". But I reasoned that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for testing purposes. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .. WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body, which was flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you hold the unit yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it started out. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently, I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
I Choose to Love
June 17, 2009 21:18
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness, But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is hell.
I have made my decision.
I choose to love.
It will not be an easy road. There will be different seasons. There will be ups and downs, joy and sorrow. I might be putting myself in a situation where my heart will be at stake. But I also know that only when I choose to love, can I experience true fellowship and community. Only when I choose to love, can I experience the purest, sweetest, friendships. Friendships that bring the most joy. Friendships that manifest the Love of God.
Only when I love, can Gods love be shown in me.
I know that I have made the right choice.
Because this is what He would want me to do.
I choose to love.
No turning back.
If you choose to love, true love will find you.