Sign of a cheating mate...
Is (s)he having an affair?
There you are, all street-smart and savvy. You are always aware
and alert for danger while out and about, for safety's sake. So
where do you let your guard down? At home, of course.
Most people with an S.O. (significant other) claim that their
mate would never cheat on them. But the sad truth is that infidelity
DOES occur, only too often, by men and women alike. You need to stay
alert and "street-wise" in your emotional dealings, too.
We sincerely hope that you have nothing to worry about. BUT, if
you do have some doubts, just a gut feeling that things don't "feel
right", then it's time to stop and take stock of the situation. Do
not bury your head in the sand. Look for these cardinal red flags:
* Changes in sexual conduct:
--Less desire for sex with you (getting it elsewhere)
--Suddenly more adventurous with sexual desires, new positions or
requests (learned elsewhere)
* Changes in attitude:
--More attentive, "nicer" to you than usual, gifts, etc. (guilt;
divert suspicion; usually early in the affair)
--Gradually starts finding more faults in you; is more critical;
definite change in attitude (justify the cheating in their mind;
usually later in the affair)
--Losing interest in the old homestead; no longer as attentive to
house repairs, gardening, spending time with the children
--Accuses YOU of cheating (divert suspicion)
* Changes in grooming habits:
--Suddenly starts taking more care with her appearance than usual;
new clothes, new perfume/cologne, makeup style, new hairstyle (to
impress the new lover)
--Frequent bathing, takes a shower as soon as he gets home (destroy
* Telltale physical signs:
--Smell of perfume on them; long blond hairs when you're a short,
curly redhead; classic lipstick on the collar
--You find strange receipts, unexplained credit card bills,
scribbled phone numbers, condoms or birth control products you two
don't use (uh-oh)
* Red Flag activity:
--"Gotta work late again"
--Mysterious phone calls, hangs up phone when you enter room,
whispers on the phone, abrupt "hang-ups" when YOU answer the phone
--Gets angry, defensive, or secretive when you look at her cell
phone or computer
--You catch him staring off into space with a smile on his face, a
new and unexplained "glow" or excitement about them (infatuated)
Use your common sense with this. He may have a temporarily decreased
sex drive due to illness or work stresses. She may change the
hairstyle just because she needs a change. That "hang-up" may just
be an impatient telemarketer.
Use this list of factors "in context". You will likely find
something here that he/she does on occasion. The key is: Is it new
and unexpected behavior? Is it just a one-time occurrence, or are
there new patterns emerging? Are you finding more than one or two
If you have run through our checklist here, and find no evidence
of these strange behaviors, then relax, you're probably safe. Enjoy
the relationship. But, if your investigation has given you more
cause for alarm, it is time to take a more pro-active approach to
WARNING: DO NOT CONFRONT OR ACCUSE YOUR LOVER YET!!!
Okay, you've thought this over, and it looks suspiciously like he
or she may really be having an affair. In your anger and hurt, you
may be tempted to lash out, confront, accuse the dirty dog! That is
the worst thing you could do at this point, and here's why:
* You have no evidence. If you have no proof, the offending party
can deny, deny, deny, and may really be convincing, to boot. Where
does that leave you? With lots of doubts and no answers.
* She has been alerted. If indeed, she is cheating, she will be
much more careful now. She will clean up her act, and may even end
the affair for now. You may never get to the truth.
* You might be wrong! If you accuse him of infidelity without any
proof, and he's innocent, you can do serious damage to the
relationship. The trust will be broken, both ways. And broken trust
is almost impossible to restore.
What you need now is proof. Normally, we advocate strict respect
for the privacy of your mate. This means no snooping in their
personal affairs, emails, pockets, snail mail, or voice messages. If
you have no reason to suspect him/her, then back off, and show them
this basic respect.
But, if things have gotten to the point that you are pretty sure
he is having an affair, nothing is to be gained by turning your back
on the situation. You will just be suspicious and miserable. This is
no way to deal with the situation. You must find out the truth, for
peace of mind, and the future of your relationship. Privacy rules no
longer apply. Time to dig deeper...
You will now become an amateur detective. Keep strict track of
your mate's activities for the next 2-3 weeks. Get a calendar book.
Out On the Prowl:
Record the mileage on his car and compare it to where he says he
went. How far is work? Find out. Record the time he leaves for work,
and the time he returns. Is he working late? Check his paycheck
stubs to see if the OT is in there. Match up your record with the
Cell Phone Use: Many cheaters use a cell
phone to communicate with their lovers. Get the detailed bill of her
calls. Is there a strange number that is called frequently? Do a
"reverse cell phone number lookup" online. If there is a small fee,
pay it. Match up times called to that number. A good place to start
is the first number called when your mate first leaves for work and
the same number called again right before they return home.
Money: They have to pay to play. Look for some
evidence of increased spending, check stubs, bank statements, credit
card bills, motel, restaurant and gift receipts.
Snooping: Now is the time to do a thorough
search for clues. Look in his/her wallet, purse, glove compartment,
briefcase. If you can, look at their emails. Get ahold of her cell
phone and check out her contacts list. Nothing is sacred now. Once
again, the ONLY time we advocate this is when you are trying to get
to the truth, and save your relationship.
Came up empty handed? Still have strong suspicions? Not sure
enough to let it go? Get professional help. Fork over the bucks to
have a private investigator do a little surveillance on your
partner. They are in the yellow pages under "Detective Agencies" or
"Private Investigator". You might not like what you find out, but
the money will be well worth the peace of mind. A quality
relationship can not thrive under a cloud of suspicion and mistrust.
We wish you the best of luck with this, and hope things come up
smelling roses for you guys! But realistically, this is such a
pervasive problem that we felt this little "heads up" article may
well hit home and be most useful for some of you.
*** Close call? Keep the flames of love burnin' brightly in your
home, so you'll never have to worry about this again. For some great
fresh ideas and common-sense advice, visit
Keep Our Love Alive.