Confused

by John
(Michigan)

I am 25 years old and I have been dating the same girl for the past 4 years and up until now everything has been great. It's just as of late she has been very clingy and it has really started to bother me.

Also I have have been asking her to move in with me for over 3 years now but she has it stuck in her head that couples that move in together before marriage have a high chance or divorce. I have let these, lets say problems just be pushed under the rug for so long.

I am feeling like the spark has gone out in our relationship. She is only my 2nd serious girlfriend I have ever had so I don't know how to deal with this. I am actually the only boyfriend she has ever had.

Recently I have been talking alot with a female coworker and over time I guess I have developed feelings for her and she has for me also. I am not the kind of person that would cheat but about a week ago at an after work party I drank too much and me and my co worker kissed each other.

I have felt terrible ever since that has happened because it has intensified my feelings for my coworker. I just don't know what to do. I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone could give me.
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From Stella:

Dear John,
You are young, you are single, and you don't live with anyone. Where's the problem?

I know you have some emotional issues going on, but my advice to you is this:

Don't press the issue with either girl. No decision needs to be made right now. Don't move in with anyone. Date both girls, and don't make it a secret from either one.

In time your true feelings will surface and your proper path will be clear.

Comments for Confused

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Stella's reply is not appropriate
by: L

I think that Stella's reply is not appropriate. If he has been dating the first girl for about 4 yrs (according to his letter) & they have so far been exclusive, then she is entitled to think of herself as his girlfriend even though she has refused to move in with him on ethical grounds.

Since they considered themselves exclusive he admits that by kissing another girl he has cheated on her.

Therefore, "dating" both girls is NOT an option. He would have to officially end his first relationship before he can start the second. Of course, once he starts dating the second girl, he can be honest and tell her upfront that it's not exclusive and that he wishes to date others.

But no one can do that to another after 4 yrs of having mutual exclusivity. The time to be upfront is at the start of a relationship and not four years later.

Now is the time to be honest and gentle and end the first relationship.

If he had known both girls a few months only (and not the first one for 4 long years) then your advice would have made more sense.

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FROM STELLA:

I agree with your comment. Perhaps my answer was a little too superficial. He DID cheat to some degree, and he owes his girlfriend more than I suggested. Your answer to his problem was better.

Stella

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