I am 29, and have been dating this man for 10 months. He isn't and never has been affectionate. We have kissed maybe a handful of times. He doesn't hug or comfort me.

I love his personality. He is amazing. He is wonderful with my children. I am happy when I am with him, but when I am away from him I find myself complaining, wishing he was more supportive and affectionate. He has never met my friends or family. We are seldom intimate.

He tells me he loves me when I tell him. When I bring it to his attention, he will say it first. (He was the first to say it). On the weekends, we have a wonderful time drinking, listening to music together. We talk. We listen to each other. We have never been in a serious disagreement. I know his family and friends. We hang out with them all the time.

I feel like I am not being met half way. He says that he does the things I complain about, but I don't see it. He says the way he shows that he loves me is by spending every free moment he has with me.

My question for you is: Is it fair for me to be upset that he doesn't give to me what I give to him? (Meaning I do things for him out of my ordinary). He has been to my house one time. I go out of my way for him all the time, literally. He doesn't do anything out of his way for me.

I have tried to stop seeing him, but I don't even make it through the day. I am madly in love with him and fear losing him if I say something more to tell him I want more. I also wonder if it is fair to demand that someone change their ways to make me happy. He has been divorced and hurt. I try to be patient...


From Stella,

Dear Confused,

You have a decision to make.

What is more important to you:

a. A good man who does not quite live up to your ideal of "romantic, thoughtful partner", OR...

b. Being alone and still looking for your "ideal" partner, who supplies you with the affection, warmth and thoughtful gestures you would like to have.

In other words, this man is NOT going to change for you; in fact, he will probably get "worse" in his lack of "girl comforts" that you crave. You will have to learn to forgo those requirements if you want to keep and be happy with this man you claim to love. But if you must have them, you will always resent his lack of thoughfulness, and the relationship is doomed.

It's all about compromise, my dear.

My own partner is the most unromantic (gave me a camouflage fanny pack for Christmas), thoughtless (I've never gotten flowers from him) and sloppy man around. He wouldn't say "I love you" for three years (he was hurt badly by ex-wife, too).

But I traded in all my "woman expectations" because I love him very much. I waited it out because I did love him. Finally, something gave and he tells me he loves me fairly often. I don't get flowers and romantic dinners, but I do get something much better...


P.S. On the other hand, the lack of sex thing IS a bit worrisome, and may need medical intervention. I would give this relationship a long trial spell before making things permanent.

Comments for Confused

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by: Anonymous

Are you saying there is not a "perfect man" for everyone? Must we compromise? Why is it that we all have to settle? Who is to say that if we don't settle, that perfect man will find us? I want to believe that two hearts can be perfect for each other. That someone can be exactly what you are looking for. That I am exactly what someone else is looking for. Why do you want to hug and kiss your children? (In the mother/father way) Why do you want to hear them tell you that they love you? It is something everyone needs.(affection) Why would you want to spend every day feeling rejected from this man that you have given your heart to? Why hasn't he met the family? 10 months is a long time. It is also a long time for him not to love you. Maybe he just loves your children?

by: WhiteDymondGirl

I agree with Stella, as time & life goes on, it will only get worse.
Why not settle for nothing but the best for your self!

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