Do I move on or be patient and wait for him to heal?

by Elizabeth
(Winter Park, Florida)

I am 49, divorced after 26 years of marriage, 3 years now; money, possessions and heart all taken. I have moved on, but have met a lot of terrible men.

I met this wonderful man 4 months ago (he is 50, divorced 2 years ago after 19 years). He was in another relationship and it ended 6 months ago. He is still in love with her and says he can only offer me friendship now. Well, for the past 4 months he has taken me to dinner, places to see, comes over for dinner or just to hang out, calls me everyday.

I met his parents and some of his friends for dinner. We have everything in common, personality, morals, goals, we enjoy each other. He has even said he has a list of what he wants in a woman and I am it-all positives, nothing negative. He is everything I want. He seems to have backed off in the past 2 weeks, still calls, but not seeing each other as much, and no more kissing, hugging or touching; its stressing him out.

We don't talk about the pain in his heart as much, just good things and everyday things. He hates the loneliness and I do too and we just click, but he still has her in his heart. I ask him if he didn't want to see me or talk, he said "no, I like the time with you and talking to you, I just need my space and time and for you to be patient".

He has said he doesn't know where we will be today, tomorrow or in the future. He would like to be friends with me and then we will see. I really like this guy and my head and heart tell me this could be the one, and I don't want to lose him. I am afraid he could find someone else. What do I do? I have feelings for him and he knows I have and I don't know what to do. I told him I am a friend and if he needs to talk or whatever, to call. Friends are always there.

I would never hurt, harm or abandon him. He means so much to me and I care for him and he said he cares for me. I really want to try to have something with him. I feel we would be great together, we are so alike- he said I am a female version of him and me of him. What do I do?? I am falling for him!!!! Please help me.

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From Stella:

Elizabeth,
You are falling for the old rebound trap. You have only known this guy 4 months, and in your mind, you've got yourself spending the rest of your life with him. You are making too much out of this relationship... he has already told you that he is still in love with another woman (only split up 6 months). It sounds like he has been pretty honest with you. Take him at his word! Back off, way off, and let some time pass. Perhaps you two will eventually find yourselves dating again. That would be fine, if you just don't press the issue. You need time to heal as much as he does.

Why do we women always have to know where we are going in a relationship? Sometimes it's best not to know, not to plan, and not to try to make things happen.

Best of luck,
Stella

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