Finding the Courage to move on

by JaeDee
(Kauai, HI)

I am a 47 year old married woman with 5 beautiful adult children. Married for 31 years and this month will make 32. I have been with him for more than 32 years though.

Well to make a long story short, he has had two affairs that I know of and even if he does not want to admit it, the second one is still going on. We have decided to have a divorce because he feels I haven't proven myself for something that happened over 30 years ago before we got married.

I don't trust him at all and I should not even be confused but I am. He sometimes confuses me into thinking things are alright but I know it's not. He has been abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally and even physically. How stupid can I be for allowing that? How can love be so blind?

We don't have that bond like before, even when we have sex. I can't say it's making love anymore because there is no passion in it now. I have been having a hard time to enjoy it because I think of her. He doesn't even kiss me the way I want to be kissed. Just pecks, if you know what I mean.

I know I have a problem letting go but I know it has to be done. The starting all over part is what's a little scary. Some have told me that it's gets better every time. Time heals and I pray to God for guidance.

I think I just need some help in making me realize he is not worth it and move on. My children think so and do not want him to hurt me anymore. I know I should listen but my heart is still thinking different. Maybe I just need a kick in the you know what to wake me up.

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Here's your kick in the butt!
by: Stella

JaeDee,

You have said that you two have already decided to divorce, and that you really know deep down that you need to do that. So your question is "not should I do it", but "how to find the courage".

If this man has been that abusive and continues to have an affair, then get out!!! He obviously twists things to make you feel like it's somehow your fault. It's not.

You are only 47 years old! That could well be only half your life ! You only get handed one life, you know, so make the most of it. Suffering in misery just because you are afraid of being single again is not "making the most" of your life.

Be strong! I think that after the initial grief of divorce fades, you will enjoy being free from his oppression and deceit. You said you pray to God to help you. I know He will help you do this. Go for it!

Stella

Stay Strong
by: Anonymous

Getting a divorce was the hardest challenge in my entire life. And I've had plenty of other "more serious" problems. I think that it relates to the violation of your trust. And your willingness to admit that you made a mistake.

Don't look back, just keep moving forward. You can only fix what you can change and you can't change him. Believe Stella when she says that you are young. I am 52. Does it still hurt? Yes. Will it always hurt? Yes on some level. But I have found strength in my inner core to keep going.

I am more beautiful than I ever was, after accounting for age. I am free to do what I want (I do boring, quiet things but that's what I want). I save my money and buy one good thing, ex: an $800 handbag, a $700 coat, but only one to be replaced when the other wears out. I sold all of my married household goods and my new apartment contains my things.

I have one closet in the hall that is "all about me." with a basket for each type of beauty item, special soaps, skin creams etc. I get a huge amount of attention from men, which pleases me even though I don't want to date or be married.

In short, I am learning to thrive, not just survive. The feelings of personal power and strength is a natural high.

Don't forget God in what ever way you worship. Spiritual strength is the most powerful protection from woes. When the 23rd psalm says I will fear not evil, it does not mean that you will not encounter it, it just means that you will overpower or overcome it.

Stay strong and find your self-esteem!

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