Finding the Courage to move on

by JaeDee
(Kauai, HI)

I am a 47 year old married woman with 5 beautiful adult children. Married for 31 years and this month will make 32. I have been with him for more than 32 years though.

Well to make a long story short, he has had two affairs that I know of and even if he does not want to admit it, the second one is still going on. We have decided to have a divorce because he feels I haven't proven myself for something that happened over 30 years ago before we got married.

I don't trust him at all and I should not even be confused but I am. He sometimes confuses me into thinking things are alright but I know it's not. He has been abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally and even physically. How stupid can I be for allowing that? How can love be so blind?

We don't have that bond like before, even when we have sex. I can't say it's making love anymore because there is no passion in it now. I have been having a hard time to enjoy it because I think of her. He doesn't even kiss me the way I want to be kissed. Just pecks, if you know what I mean.

I know I have a problem letting go but I know it has to be done. The starting all over part is what's a little scary. Some have told me that it's gets better every time. Time heals and I pray to God for guidance.

I think I just need some help in making me realize he is not worth it and move on. My children think so and do not want him to hurt me anymore. I know I should listen but my heart is still thinking different. Maybe I just need a kick in the you know what to wake me up.