Hooked on porn! (confused woman)

by Yolanda
(Burbank)

I have lived with my fiance' for 5 yrs now. We love each other so much and we have good times together all the time but there is a problem; he is hooked into porno and it is like a habit for him. I feel disrespected.

Even if we have sex , I always think that he is thinking more about those girls than me. He promises me not to do it any more because he knows it causes us problems every time I catch him doing it. I love him so much and told him that I can only take so much. We had some arguments about this.

I tried to help him to go to therapy or to go to "GOD" but he said it will not help him. I don't know what to do!

---

From Stella:

First, Yolanda, let me assure you that you are not alone. The internet has brought porn in variety and abundance to the bedside PC of every red-blooded male who is remotely interested. And you are not the first woman to write in about this problem.

I don't think you are going to like my answer, but if you step back and look at the situation with an open mind, maybe you can understand him better and put this into perspective.

First and foremost... HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Even if he does "give it up" for you, he will resent you for that and he will miss it. That is his sexual "thing". And, if you think about it, it really is a pretty harmless pursuit, unless he is:
---Actually seeing other women in person (cheating).
---Neglecting your sexual needs because he has to do the porn thing every night instead.
---Running up astronomical phone bills to 1-900 numbers.

You say that you feel disrespected because he likes the porn. You need to realize that this is strictly your own perception. To him, the porn is probably just harmless, sexual fantasy. It is not likely meant to hurt you or show disrespect. You seem to be shocked and disapproving of pornography (you feel that he needs help or therapy). But he, obviously, doesn't feel it's wrong.

This is not a real risk to your relationship unless you let it be. So your choice, really, is pretty clear:

EITHER:
*Tolerate the porn as "boys will be boys" and continue to love and stay with him, (no nagging) OR...
*Decide you just cannot tolerate it, and break up with him.
*Because he's not gonna change...

Please read this page in our website, particularly the section titled "Sex, Women & Intimacy, Another One Of Mama's Secrets..."

The Sensuous Woman

...then do some soul searching before you decide. And good luck to you!
Stella