Hooked on porn! (confused woman)

by Yolanda
(Burbank)


I have lived with my fiance' for 5 yrs now. We love each other so much and we have good times together all the time but there is a problem; he is hooked into porno and it is like a habit for him. I feel disrespected.

Even if we have sex , I always think that he is thinking more about those girls than me. He promises me not to do it any more because he knows it causes us problems every time I catch him doing it. I love him so much and told him that I can only take so much. We had some arguments about this.

I tried to help him to go to therapy or to go to "GOD" but he said it will not help him. I don't know what to do!



From Stella:

First, Yolanda, let me assure you that you are not alone. The internet has brought porn in variety and abundance to the bedside PC of every red-blooded male who is remotely interested. And you are not the first woman to write in about this problem.

I don't think you are going to like my answer, but if you step back and look at the situation with an open mind, maybe you can understand him better and put this into perspective.

First and foremost... HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Even if he does "give it up" for you, he will resent you for that and he will miss it. That is his sexual "thing". And, if you think about it, it really is a pretty harmless pursuit, unless he is:
---Actually seeing other women in person (cheating).
---Neglecting your sexual needs because he has to do the porn thing every night instead.
---Running up astronomical phone bills to 1-900 numbers.

You say that you feel disrespected because he likes the porn. You need to realize that this is strictly your own perception. To him, the porn is probably just harmless, sexual fantasy. It is not likely meant to hurt you or show disrespect. You seem to be shocked and disapproving of pornography (you feel that he needs help or therapy). But he, obviously, doesn't feel it's wrong.

This is not a real risk to your relationship unless you let it be. So your choice, really, is pretty clear:

EITHER:
*Tolerate the porn as "boys will be boys" and continue to love and stay with him, (no nagging) OR...
*Decide you just cannot tolerate it, and break up with him.
*Because he's not gonna change...

Please read this page in our website, particularly the section titled "Sex, Women & Intimacy, Another One Of Mama's Secrets..."

The Sensuous Woman

...then do some soul searching before you decide. And good luck to you!
Stella

Comments for Hooked on porn! (confused woman)

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I disagree
by: Anonymous

It is not natural for a man to be addicted to porn. In my opinion, if a man loves a woman then he shouldn't have the need to look at another woman in that way. It also goes beyond fantasy to me, because the women in porn are real women who live in this world.

It is very disrespectful and is the same thing as cheating. If that woman was there in person, he may as well cheat with her. There's lots of men out there who aren't interested in porn. It is an unhealthy addiction to look at women as objects as men perceive the women in porn.

My mother in law has always supported her man's porn addiction. I think it is an insecurity for her and that she feels if she is the "cool woman" he wouldn't cheat. So she let him watch porn all the time. Well, he started cheating on her with someone else and had a relationship with the other woman for months.

In the end he literally gave my mother in law the ultimatum that she be ok with him and the other women or they would break up. He went as far as to ask if they could all move in together!

Don't ever change your morals for a man. If you allow him to look at other women that way, he will eventually cheat, thinking you were ok with it, so why not?

2nd on the above comment
by: Anonymous

I wrote the other comment above this one. I would like to add a second comment about porn addiction. My brother had a long struggle with porn addiction as well.

He has 3 kids with 3 different women. The reason for that is because his porn addiction ruined many of his relationships. He would cry about it, he knew he had a serious problem.

He had some things happen to him when he was younger that more than likely caused his porn addiction, as he was addicted to porn of the type that had actually been done to him as a child. It was very sad watching his struggle, he loved his other children's mothers, yet he couldn't stop with the porn and they weren't ok with it at all.

He had years invested in each of these relationships but his addication prevailed and ruined the relationships. He is now in a new relationship and on his own overcame his addiction. She wasn't ok with it; he knew he had a problem anyways and he stopped.

He in no way resents her for not being ok with it, as I said before he knew on his own that he had a problem. Now they have a great relationship and he no longer has the need to look at porn.

Let me guess
by: Anonymous

If you want your guy to only "eat at home" then it's up to you to see that there's a varied menu available for both of you... otherwise somebody is going to be "eating out" eventually ...

And sometimes you need a "cookbook" to show you what you can do with the ingredients on hand....

And porn can be the "cookbook"...

Like most guys I've got my porn stash... and will watch a bit from time to time... why varies from a little inspiration to what to try next with the wife, to "relief" when wife has been sick with the flu.

But... I do NOT neglect my wife's needs and desires, and I maintain that "Ladies should come first and often."

Guys with that attitude (to please their partner first and foremost) have happy lovers who enjoy their sex/love life and want MORE.

My wife serves a "varied platter" with great joy and enthusiasm and I enjoy my "home cooking" more than any outside restaurant... but sometimes we both check out other "cookbooks" to see what we can prepare for each other :-}


Moderation
by: Anonymous

I think the key word here is "addiction". You write that you use it every now and then, to spice up your relationship with your wife.

Some guys are really addicted to and obsessed with this stuff.

Moderation, you know?

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