How to win her back?

by Mark
(England)

Dear Stella,

I have a problem with a girl I was in relationship for 10 months.
I start from the beginning. We met online via dating app. Two months later she wanted a relationship. Soon after that I told her that I am in love with some other girl and have been like that for 6 years. She was sad but accepted it and wanted to make our relationship work and make me fall for her. And I wanted it too very much. So for some time it was okay and it came up only occasionally. The fact that I live in the same city and same house with the other girl so I see her often but I know that this other girl have no interest in me. I said that to her many times and concentrated on our relationship. I told her right from the start that if she has any problems than she needs to tell me so we could work it out.

Also on important thing is that we live in different cities about 300 kilometers apart. The distance has never been a problem in our relationship. I tried to visit her once a month or more often if I was able. One other thing is that I have a little problem with a hip and it makes doing some things harder or going somewhere. She has repeatedly said that it doesn’t bother her. 5 months ago I wanted to break up because of this hip thing because I didn’t want to take way her active lifestyle and restrict her so she can’t to some things because of me. At that time she said that it doesn’t matter because she wants to be with me. She said that she has fallen in love with me but that time I wasn’t in love with her yet.
After that our relationship was good until about a 1,5 month ago when I became too comfortable and didn’t talk to her as much. This was the time when I felt that I am in love with her too but wanted to say that in person for the first time.

Now to the problem. About a month ago she said that it bothers her that I don’t talk to her much anymore and also said that she can’t take this other girl thing anymore. I said that am over the other girl and that she would think it over. At that time she said okay but a week later she broke up with me because of this other girl problem. Then I felt that I can’t wait anymore and said that I am in love with her. She said that her feelings are gone and she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Said she wants to be alone and rest from men. She said that but seeing her going to parties and hanging out with other guys showed that it wasn’t true.

I tried to fix it from the distance and talked about it but every time she came up with the same reasons. I asked her many times what she liked our relationship, was she happy, what were the bad things besides this other girl thing and so on. She said that she liked our relationship and was happy most of the time. And couldn’t say anything else bad about our relationship. In the end when she still blocked everything what I said I made a mistake out of desperation and started to blame her for this break up, that she concentrated on the wrong thing and that’s why she couldn’t get past this other girl thing while I could and fell in love her. Also said that all of her arguments point to that she has some other guy. That made her angry and said that it was it.

After that I had only one thing to do and that was going to her and talk face to face. So I went without letting her know because I knew that she would have been against it. I was there for 3 days. On the first day I met her at her home. At the beginning she was the same way and blocked me and didn’t let me close to her. I cried a lot in front of her and I saw her shed a tear as well. We were together the whole day (not talking about relationship the whole time, talked about other things also). In the end she let me close to her (hold her hand, touch her, put my hand around her) and I could clearly see that she was ready to give me another chance but for some reason she couldn’t say that. First day ended with not much progress. Later that night I found out the reason why she probably was the way she was. It was because of her girlfriends. She said that her girlfriends were also angry with me and said that she should leave me. When we were together I could clearly see that she still has feelings for me and wants to be with me but her girlfriends say otherwise. On the second day we were together half a day because she wanted to be with a girlfriends and some other guy. The time we were together it became clearer that she has feelings for me (at one point her she looked at me exactly the same way when she was in love with me). That day she accepted that we can keep talking and I can show her that I am over this other girl. I said that it is good but I was afraid that she didn’t meant that and when I leave she just starts to block me again. She said that she can’t guarantee anything. In the evening she was blocking me again after being with her girlfriends. Last day we were together for 5 hours but most of the time she ignored me and didn’t show much interest. But few times she let me close to her again. I also made a proposal that now ere would be apart but in the future when she wants relationship again she would be open to try again with me. To that she said that she wants to move on with her life. When I was starting to leave she said that she thinks that it is best if we don’t talk anymore and if she wants to talk to me she writes to me but the other way around. And just before I left I said that I love her and her response was so cold and said whatever.

It was 2 days ago. Now she uploaded a photo (her and the guy sitting on the road next to each other) to Instagram with one other guy she mentioned to me who is her girlfriend’s boyfriend and she said that she would never date her girlfriend’s boyfriends.
From the facts that when we were together she became open and was ready to give me another change and it was clear she had feelings for me even though she denied it. Her feelings are just buried under this negative emotion at the moment. It feels like she lets her girlfriends make this decision for her. And it is also clear that the reason she hesitates is this other girl thing and a fear of getting hurt again. I understood all that when she said that but I don’t understand why she doesn’t give me another chance when she knows me and knows that I wouldn’t lie to her and my feelings are true.

So my problem is that how could I get her to give me another chance? How can I get her to open up to me again so I could make my mistakes up to her and bring out the feelings in her that are suppressed?



Thank you!

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