I can't get over him and we've never even been together

by Sanja

Dear Stella,
This is probably going to be really long, but I really need your help. Even more so, you don't even need to read this monstrosity, I just need to talk and tell someone about this, 'cause I have no one else to talk to about it. So here's the thing. I'm 17 years old and about ten months ago I started getting close to my current best girl friend. She's an aspiring actress and at the time, she had been devoting all of her free time trying to befriend the actors from our local theater. So, every day I would get to hear all about what happened the other night with this guy or that woman. And the name of one man kept popping up constantly. She talked about him all the time, had a huge crush on him and even made out with him one time before they broke it off. She showed him to me on Facebook, but I didn't think anything about him at all. Until, sometime around October I went to see one of the plays he's in. And I fell for him. Okay, it started out as really, strong physical attraction, but over time, that faded away. I love him. And that's one of the main problems. Like I said, I'm 17 and he's 30. A couple of weeks after I began crushing on him I confessed to my friend and she made this huge deal out of it, even though she claimed she was over him by that point, saying things like 'he's not right for you' or 'he'll ruin you' or even 'if you only knew half the things I do about him'. Needless to say, I stopped talking about it after that. However a short time later, I actually got to meet him and he was charming and well, he was checking me out for some reason (I'm not exactly his supposed type, being a bit chubby) and later that night I found out he had wanted to meet me, but my friend had said 'no' and had hidden this from me. He had been single at the time, but by the time I found out he had gotten himself a new girlfriend. Anyways, things slowly went back to normal after that and my friend kept teasing me that I like him and whatnot, but she never really understood that I didn't only like him, but that I felt so much more about him. Every time I would see him on stage or just hear about him, my heart would stop and do a little back flip. Corny, I know. After two more months of nothing happening that would give me the slightest bit of hope, I decided to get over him (in that time I had been determined to not go to any plays he was in). It seemed to work, the pain that I had been feeling went away a bit, until my friend decided to drag me to see this play we had been dying to see for a long time and in which he played the lead role. I wanted to say 'no', but stupid me, I wanted to prove to myself that I was over him. So, I got a new haircut and dressed up for the first time in forever. And I felt good. I felt sexy and was confident that I was going to be okay. Until the play itself started of course. Almost throughout the entire thing, he kept sending seductive smiles my way and keeping eye contact with me for way longer than the supposed three-second-eye-contact flirting rule or whatever. Now, I know that actors, when they're nervous on stage look at someone in the audience whom they know and trust not to make them laugh or confuse them, but 1. my best friend was right next to me and she's know him for longer than I do and is closer to him, and 2. these looks were heated, like he wanted to devour me, and that's not even the kind of role he plays. And there went my plan of getting over him down the drain. I was right back where I started, with the same pain in my chest whenever I thought of him and the butterflies in my stomach and all. I think I mentioned that he turned thirty this year, right ? Well, about a month after we saw this play, he had a small party at the theater and I bought him a chocolate (a small token of attention) and we went backstage with my best friend and another girl friend to give it to him. Right before I was supposed to give it to him, I chickened out and told my best friend to do it. However, after he took it, he greeted us all and even though there were three of us there, he shook my hand alone, leaning so close to me, I could feel the whiskey on his breath. We didn't plan to stick around, but he invited us for a drink to celebrate with him and we went. Once we were there and were seated, he placed his hand on my shoulder and got so close I thought he was going to kiss me. He was looking in my eyes and I think I melted. However, his girlfriend was there, so he just said to me that the bar was open for anything we wanted to drink. Afterwards, my best friend and I made a bet that she had to sing this song to him (I re-wrote a sports anthem to suit him). After he heard it, he laughed and said thanks and hugged her, but not me. The next day, my friend said that she had went back to party after I left home and that she had told him that I had written the song and that he told her that he really thought it was great and that I was really creative which he like and that he found me really cute. I thought 'great, now I'm never going to have a chance. What guy, especially one that's older, says you're simply cute if he wants you'. So, the next logical step was to add him on Facebook (I never to that with people I don't really know). I was on cloud nine when he accepted me. And that was it. After that, I told my friend that I was no longer going to plays he was in and she agreed with me (she had had a fight with him over her new boyfriend who was his best friend and sort-of-student). It got easy over time. Everything was fine and I started ignoring the way I felt, until I forgot the heartache was even there. I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted from my chest. Until this Saturday. There was this new premiere and we got invited to it(since we know everyone that works at the theater and go to the drama club of an actress who works there, we get free entrance), so we had to go. I read everything I could find about it and realized that he was in it. I wanted to cancel so bad, but I had promised I would go. So the three of us went (me, my best friend and the same girl that went with us to his birthday) and saw the show. It was amazing, but that's not the point. One time I remember, my other girl friend wanted to meet this actor, but she's very, very shy, so I went over there and introduced myself first. Soon, he came over to ask the actor something and touched my arm and then the small of my back so gently I thought I'd imagined it at first. I looked at him, but he was looking at the actor, like nothing was going on. So logically this time when he was smiling at me (I was sitting in the first row), I thought that maybe he had been smiling at my best friend, but his eyes were staring right at me, before he sent me a subtle wink and a nod with his head (an invitation to come backstage, I suppose). Well, we were headed there anyways, as my best friend's aunt was in the play and she wanted to meet her. We went there and waited and waited and waited some more. I was jittery and nervous and seconds away from biting my fingernails from the anticipation and fear of seeing him. I thought I was going to get sick. Not long after, he passed us by a couple of times, going to the bar, so he could get some glasses and drinks so they could celebrate in the actor's common room on the second level of the theater and I wanted to scream when he didn't even glance at me. Finally, my friend decided to go inside upstairs to look for her aunt and me and my other friend were left alone. I was leaning on the wall close to the exit and she was on the opposite side. Suddenly, he opens the door and goes toward the exit. When he saw me, he lowered his head and started smirking very seductively, being careful that my friend wouldn't notice, keeping eye contact the entire time. Out of nowhere, he winked at me and grinned boyishly before saying something along the lines of 'who are you waiting for?' And like the idiot I am, I managed to mumble out my best friend's name, before looking down and smiling at him. Gosh, I had never heard my voice sound so sultry. He smiled once again, a sexy, sort-of crooked smile and left. I thought my heart was going to pound its way out of my chest. And when my best friend came back, she so casually mentioned that he had broken up with his girlfriend. With that, we left. And I realized I was an idiot. That night, I cried for him. I sat down on a bench in the park near my home and I cried for a solid half an hour. What the hell do I do? I want to get his attention so bad, but I don't know what to do? Do I write to him on Facebook? If so, what do I freakin' say? You see, Stella, I don't really want a relationship with him, I mean sure, if the chance got thrown my way, I would take it with both hands, but for now I just want to have an actual conversation with him and explore the physical attraction I feel for him? Do you think I have any chances? Should I give up? I've tried, but like I said, nothing ever WORKS! I get sucked back in the same hole again and again. Please help me out here. Thanks.
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Answer from Stella:

My dear,
You are not in love. You just have a crush on an older man. It happens to most young girls at least once in their lives. This guy does sound pretty old for you. I suggest you try to avoid him and get on with your life. Try to make friends and enjoy being with boys closer to your age. P.S.: Do NOT get aggressive with him on Facebook, or confess your feelings.

Hope this helps!

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Comments for I can't get over him and we've never even been together

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I can't get over him ....
by: Anonymous

Sanja,
I read your story and I must tell you, I feel for you. However, I agree with Stella. Consider the age of this "MAN" and he has had many opportunities to come directly over to you and talk. Afterall, he is not a boy and knows how to approach females. It is not you. It is him. He is simply not interested. He is on an ego trip and simply flirting with you and enjoying the fact that at the age of 30 he can still be attracted by teens. What guy wouldn't like that? It's you I'm concerned with. Also, you didn't mention the age of his previous girlfriend. Was she closer to your age or his? If it was your age then that could be a red flag that older women aren't attracted to him and then you must ask yourself..WHY? He has been there, done that. He can get into bars and you can't. His world is very different from yours. He has no rules. You still do. I would stay in the "young" world right now and date guys if not your own age then no older than 20 so you will have much more in common. The adult world is much different than yours and I would definately proceed with strong "CAUTION". Right now its only a very strong crush. If you make the next move and invite him in..he will come..but not for long and then you will be left with a broken heart and possibly more...Good Luck...Julie

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