I cheated on my BF with the father of my child, but I want my BF back! What do I do?
Im the biggest idiot. I HATE MYSELF for what I did and take full responsibility for my actions but I need some advice!
I got pregnant pretty quickly into me and Baby Daddy's relationship. We were happy, in love and stuck it through after we found out about the pregnancy but shortly after (about 5, 6 months) into the pregnancy, we split. From my standpoint, he wasn't treating me the way I deserved to be treated, as the woman who was carrying his child. He wasn't acting like he had a kid on the way, so things just ended bitterly between us.
Shortly after the break up, I meet my Ex (the one I want to get back). I told him off the bat I was prego but that didn't stop us from talking, hanging out and becoming closer. A month or 2 later, we pretty much established we were "together" and he told me he loved me. I was shocked and had strong feelings for him at the time but given the situation that I was prego with another guy's kid, I was so hesitant to let my feelings grow for him bc I felt so weird dating another guy while I was pregnant.
Regardless I knew this guy had genuine feelings for me and he was the sweetest guy I had ever met. He did things for me no other guy had done. He made me feel so loved, supported and cared for me so well. In doing all that for me, I ended up falling hard for him and forgetting about how horrible my Baby Daddy was.
Now Baby Daddy was still involved to an extent. He was completely jealous I had a new BF and everybody in his family disapproved. I didn't give a rat's butt. Ex made me happy and I (thought I) was over Baby Daddy.
BUT... I wasnt 100% over Baby Daddy. It was more like 93.5%. After the break up, he just gave me more confirmation thru his actions that I shouldn't ever get back together with him so I just kept telling myself that Baby Daddy was not the person I should be with. I loved Ex but still had something tiny there for Baby Daddy which I just ignored and buried deep down.
I know. I'm so screwed up.
After I had my baby (in which Ex was there showing his support- not during actual delivery, but before and after and Baby Daddy was there the whole time), Baby Daddy was becoming bitter and jealous at the fact that Ex was still around. At this point though, I still believed I was "over" Baby Daddy and my feelings for Ex were growing more as he showed his loving support for me and my baby.
Since Baby Daddy was adamant in being involved in our son's life, I saw him often. But bc of the way he acted after our break up throughout my pregnancy, I had huge trust issues in allowing him to have the baby alone, so I always had to be there with him. Now that I was spending time with Baby Daddy again, some of those feelings started coming back.
I tried my damn hardest to ignore them bc I knew that I should be listening to my brain, not my dumb heart. No matter how hard I tried ignoring those stupid feelings tho, it eventually got the best of me and about 6 weeks after baby was born, I cheated on Ex with
Baby Daddy. I started bawling from guilt and regret right after it happened and stopped it from continuing, but the deed was done.
I let Baby Daddy mess with my head and now I lost someone who I really loved. I told Ex about what happened the next day and he said to give him a couple days to think about it. He told me he still loved me as much as he did before and he forgave me but he just couldn't be with someone he lost all trust for. I told him I understood (I cheated, so it's not like it was a surprise, but I was still hoping) but it didn't stop me from being super pathetic and calling him once a week for a couple weeks after that just to be in contact. Eventually he stopped taking my calls and ignored my sad voicemails telling him how much I missed him.
I was HEARTBROKEN and hated Baby Daddy so much for messing with my head. He didn't care that me and my Ex broke up. He was all smiles. My Ex had told me when he broke up with me that I shouldn't ever talk to Baby Daddy again and I didn't want to! But no matter how much I hated him, I was not ready to let him have our son without my supervision (overprotective mamma bear), so even after the break up, I was still spending time with Baby Daddy, which I hated. It was like torture being around him bc he acted so smug.
But as more and more time went by (we're talking a couple months here) and NO CONTACT from Ex, I almost about gave up on Ex, even though I still thought about him everyday and missed him so much.
Baby Daddy and me were actually getting along good and he said he wanted to get back together. We ended up hooking up couple times (which I felt really bad bout bc that was the reason why me and Ex broke up in the 1st place so every time it happened, I felt like crap) but I'm still on the outs of getting back together. I don't think he has changed and I'm just terrified to take that step with him bc I don't wanna get screwed over again.
BUT NOW Ex texted me recently. Kinda. It was a mass text announcing his radio show but I replied and he called me back and we caught up a bit! It was great. He mentioned a band on his show and said "I thought about you bc I remembered how much you loved them."
Not a day goes by without me missing him. I'm still in love with him, even though I'm a little confused about my feelings for Baby Daddy wanting to get back together.
I really have no idea what to do.
It's hard to cut complete contact off with Baby Daddy so I can really get over him, but part of me doesn't know if I even want to let go completely, even though I know being with him is just bad news.
But I do know I want Ex back! Of course if he knew I hooked up with Baby Daddy after we broke up, he wouldn't have that and just forget about it me all over again...
I'm such a mess. I don't know what to do!-------------------------------
Help!!! What advice would you give? Just leave a comment below. You could change a life.