I'm learning from my mistakes and I do not want to make any more

by Dreaming of a new future
(Florida)

Dear Stella,

I came to another country because I fall in love with my ex, I followed him and left everything for love, at the begining I did very well in the new country and i started to make money and life was just perfect for me or least it felt like that.

We lived together for 2 years and then we got married, our marriage lasted 4 years. For some reason we grew apart. We got married only by the civil ceremony and I always thought we would get marrried by the church later on and have our kids and be happy, but wrongly now i know that I can't change a person and that he didn't want to have kids, he didn't want to share me with anyone, he said to me.

We started to have more problems where he started to drink and also to smoke the funny stuff and my love for him was gone. During this period of time I realized that I didn't love him anymore and I started an affair. I do not justify my actions, but I did try first talkimg to him about my feelings and my needs, but we were just different persons.

During this affair I found love and I felt that I could have the opportunity to start from fresh and have a family. I was very happy and in love with this new guy and even though I knew it was wrong, I followed my heart. So I decided to tell the truth to my ex; but he couldn't take it and things got really bad where he tried to kill me and the police got involved. I was traumatized and during all this process i saw the true self of my ex, all the worst things that you can imagine happened. I was left with no money and scared of him; that year was rough and I did understand the he was hurt, but that doesn't justify the assault and the trying to kill me and hurt me.

I couldn't sleep or eat for 2 months and i didn't want the new guy to be involved, since I was afraid and I wanted to be safe and really get to know me and my needs. I went to therapy and I learned that I was actually living in an abusive relationship and that the assault was part of it, and that nobody had the right to hit me or treat me bad.

I have learned a lot from this experience and now I know that I want to always be truthful with myself and be honest before I make any decision or do actions that can hurt me and hurts others. During all these healing process I kept in touch with the new guy and my feelings for him got stronger, but I am afraid of making more mistakes in my life, and I do not want to rush into something that can be worse. I truly wish my ex well and I wish him happiness. I have forgiven me and forgiven him for the past, I am now living my present and all I want is for me to be loved, have a family and be happy.

This new guy is 5 years younger than me and he seems to love me, but I do not think he is ready for all the things that I am ready for. I'm not saying i want babies tomorrow but in 2 years yes, and he is still growing in his professional career and we have had conversations were he also worries about the babies topic. I am trying to live my life day by day and for the first time I feel happy with me and grateful for all the learning and all the experiences that are making me a better person. I am learning from my mistakes.

So that's why I am afraid with these feelings and I can force someone to want the same I want; it doesnt work like that even though I can feel his love, I know he is not ready to settle in the same way I am. I asked him to let me go because love should not have doubts and that if he is not sure about me, we should end this relationship and move on. He told me that he doesn't know what he wants right know and that committing to something like marriage and family and a life together is a big thing because he wants to be there for his wife forever, like his mom and dad and he does have some doubts.

I'm also not ready to start something 100% since I am still dealing with my own issues. I think I just need to take it easy and see where things take us, but sometimes it is hard for me and I wonder if I should continue with this relationship or if i should just move on and start from fresh. Sorry for my long text but I guess my question here is: Can something flourish with this guy or do you think the shadow from my past can make it go wrong and have a bad foundation due to our start?

Thank you for your advice.

____________________________________________

Answer from Stella:
Dear Dreaming,

What's the rush? Why do you feel the need to force the issue with this guy (marriage & kids or get lost)? In pressing him for answers, you may well lose the best guy for you! And why just dismiss him for a "fresh start"?

Why not just relax and let nature take it's course? Stay best friends, date him, don't force the marriage issue, continue to find yourself, and above all, keep that new-found base of self-esteem and self-worth strong. And you might even date some other men, but you must make this clear to him (no secrets).

In time, it will become clear to you whether this is truly the man for you. But there is no timetable or deadline for relationships! One last note: never marry someone who does not agree that they want children too. This is a very important issue that is sure to make or break a long-term relationship.

Good luck and
Hope this helps!

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