In Love But Have Had Doubts

by Kris Bailey
(Austin, Tx. )

Dear Stella,

I have been in love with the coolest man that I have ever met for almost 3 years. Every other relationship I have been in with a man (except this one) has ended in disaster! When I have had problems, he has been very supportive--which is why I have stayed with him despite my doubts.

I think the conflict is that we are very serious with each other, we don't let go and just have fun in our relationship. "Jack" is the only man that I've ever really, deep down, wanted to have sex with. So even though we have been intimate, and have showered together, the sex has never been consummated.

I would like to be more carefree in our relationship, but clearly I am not sure how to go about it. I'm not even sure if he would reciprocate if I did make overtures toward him.

How do we make our relationship more "play" oriented"? And how do we allow sex to enter in?

I would deeply appreciate any advice you have for me on these subjects. Thanks.


Answer from Stella:

Hi Kris,

What is it about us women that makes us want to push things? We have this need to know if he loves us, why are we not having sex, where is this relationship going, etc, etc, etc!

Not to criticize you, because I have been guilty of doing exactly what you are doing right now. The way to make this relationship more casual and "fun" is to just relax! Don't push for explanations, sex or answers. Just tell yourself you are going to enjoy this relationship and not worry about where it is going.

Let him make the first move, not you. Sometimes this is not good advice, but in your case I think it fits. If you press too hard or demand to know his intentions, you may well run him off.

So my advice to you is, let him make the moves. If you are meant to be together, let it happen in it's own due course.

Hope this helps!

***Do you agree with Stella's advice? Why or why not? Leave your thoughts below!

Comments for In Love But Have Had Doubts

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by: Dianna


You've been in the relationship for three years -correct? Have you spoken about sex? If you are interested in taking things to the next level then you need to be transparent. Stop the wondering game - have a conversation. It may be helpful to write it down and rehearse if you are uncomfortable.

No matter, unless you two have agreed not to have sex before marriage - what's the hold up? Is this how you wanted it and now you've changed? Its unusual for a man not to want sex unless he is saving himself or gay. And if it not either - then....he's just not that into you... then you need to move on.

Good luck!

by: Rachel

Well, it is hard to say why you would be showering together but not having sex. Some men do not have very high sex drives, sometimes medicine can cause a man to lose his sex drive altogether. He might be head over heels in love with you but just not be that into sex or even have some medical issue there. The thing is you have to talk about it. You have been together for three years. It is time to talk to him about it but be careful not to hurt his feelings or make him feel like he isn't doing his duty.

You need to understand that if you are not having sex now then chances are even when you are having sex it won't be that often. He obviously doesn't have a high sex drive for whatever reason and that won't change. If you require more sex it could be a problem.

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