Is there a hope or is it over?

by Sadia
(UK)

I have been in a two year one off relationship with my boyfriend. He's 31, I am 39. At the outset, he was very attracted to me and still is, he was very attentive and for the first time I was so happy to have a fulfilling relationship (I had been divorced after a six year turbulent marriage and a year long relationship which ended badly). I was never a sexual person until he came into my life and I blossomed. We used to talk about everything and I felt emotionally supported.

I knew he had a bad past, his father was violent to his mother for his early life (after which they divorced and his father was later murdered. He was also sexually abused (not family). I realise he might be addicted to being hurt, as he has a fantasy about being cheated on, which is what happened in his last relationship, but this also destroyed it as he is also jealous. I don't think he resolved all these issues, as his father's murder and the breakup of the relationship happened around the same time .

He has an over involved relationship with his mother, because he said the violence caused them, also his older brother to develop a bond between them. He also has a daughter from another earlier relationship. The mother and daughter live abroad.

Since my boyfriend started focusing on 'improving his situation' I found that he became emotionally neglectful of me and our relationship. This resulted in me becoming depressed at times and irrationally jealous of his relationship with his mother and daughter. I grew up an only child and I always felt my parents preferred each other over me. I was emotionally abused by my parents.

My boyfriend would take me out for dinners and trips to the sea, but I grew unsatisfied. I knew he worked long unsocial hours but I wanted to reconnect. I don't feel confident about speaking my mind. When I raised it he said there was nothing wrong. Then he suffered a bad accident at work, and came to my home a week ago. I tried to support him though I was depressed, but he ended up storming out back to his home, as I wanted to talk. I felt guilty and I went to be with him to support him the next day, which he appreciated, and to the hospital with him. I knew he would be ok.

However, we had another dispute, as I called him and got a bit disappointed when he wasn't saying about plans to see me over the following week, so I said I would see him at the hospital. He got very frustrated and rude with me, and I got annoyed and said get lost, and he hung up. We haven't spoken since. I am very disappointed at our disconnection. I am not sure what to do. I am staying away for now.

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Answer from Stella:

Hate to say this but... sounds like this man has a LOT of emotional baggage to deal with. If you have emotional issues yourself, the mix might just prove overwhelming.

My best advice is to back off and just let things alone for now. If he comes back, continue to be friendly but casual. Don't push him. If you two are meant to be together, it will happen, but let it progress slowly, on it's own.

In the meantime, keep busy with your life and go out with friends, and try not to dwell on the situation.

Hope this helps!

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