Lonely and Unsure

by Natasha
(Spokane, WA)

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years off and on. We live together now and we have a 16 month old and new born now. We used to love hanging out and had a great sex life.

Things have changed drastically in the last few years. He has been distancing himself from me and would rather spend his time on the computer or with his friends than spend any time with me. I found out that he was looking at porn a lot by looking at the history on our computer.

I have asked him why he doesn't want to be intimate and he says I am just being stupid and that he works a lot and is tired when he gets home. It makes me feel really insecure because my body is not the same after two kids, and I want to know that my boyfriend still finds me attractive.

Talking to him doesn't work and I am becoming very lonely. Since I have two kids it is hard to go out and do my own thing as well. Is there anything I can do? Please let me know.

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From Stella:

This is not an easy situation, Natasha, and unfortunately, there are no easy answers for you. It sounds like there are several different problems with your relationship, too.

Number one: Your boyfriend may well be "addicted" to online porn. This is a new disorder, obviously, but very real. Why a man would PREFER to have sex alone while looking at porn when he has a willing real-life partner is beyond me, but it happens all too often. Apparently phone and 'net sex is addictive, and many men are falling into the trap. How to get your guy out of this addiction? I don't know. Does he admit he has a problem? Maybe some counseling?

Number two: you say that your body is "not the same" since having two children. Does this mean you have put on five pounds, or have you really let yourself go?

A little honest self assessment is in order here. I am not trying to lay the blame for your relationship problems totally on you. But both men and women have a responsibility to keep themselves clean, fit and attractive. This is essential and shows you care and not taking your mate for granted.

Number three: you sound like you are isolated and alone. You need a friend or two and a support system of your own. Is there someone from work or your neighborhood you could befriend? Go out of your way to cultivate a good friend or two. Are you close to your Mom or sister, or aunt? Turn to them for help and support. If you must, pay a babysitter while you get out occasionally with your friends or family. It is not fair if you are stuck at home 24/7 with the kids while he gets to get out often with his pals. He needs to watch them while you get out, too. Insist on this, it's only fair.

And also make an effort to engage in a hobby or sport that you love. A social life and outside interests will help you cope and maintain a healthier outlook.

Number four: Sounds like the spark has gone out of your relationship. And this problem can only be solved if you are both willing to do something about it.

If the situation is as you describe it, then your guy has been neglecting you emotionally. He has not been treating you right.

You have got to sit this man down for a heart-to-heart talk, whether he likes it or not. Tell him how desperately unhappy you are and that you fear for the future of your relationship if things don't change. If he is not willing to talk and work at this, then marriage counseling might be your only hope. I know you're not married, but you have an official long-term relationship with two children hanging in the balance.

There is no easy answer for your problem. I only hope I have given you a little food for thought and a couple of strategies to try. Anybody else out there have any ideas on how to help Natasha?

Good luck to you, girl, I feel for you!
Stella