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Find Love- Keep Love : Romance News : Love Advice : Dear Stella: I want to run, but....

Dear Stella: I want to run, but....


Hey there Stella, love your site, let's see if you can help me screw my head back on straight....

We met 3 years ago, and there were quite a few attempts on his part to go out with me, (we'd get into an argument somehow, and we barely knew each other!)

Then one day... i had just come back from a long trip, and the relationship started; we fell in love quickly and moved in quickly and we began fighting just as quickly. About what? A million things and about nothing. We have fought this whole 2 and half years, moved out, traveled together, each one going thru personal changes, we improved but kept on fighting. He broke up at least 100 times and i always went to talk to him, and we'd be back together, sort-of, for awhile... and then the cycle would just repeat itself.

Right now we are not together at all, there is so much miscommunication and he says he isn't interested in a relationship. But we have a strong connection somewhere between us, we just seem unable to bring that living breathing love into our daily lives with each other...

Why am i writing? "It" formally ended a few weeks ago, he asked me to give him space, to leave him alone, that's it over, and i am. But i'm having a very difficult time letting it go. In my head, the history itself makes me want to run, but in my heart, we never did the work we needed to do. It's both of our faults; he mostly blames me though. I'm having a hard time moving on... my heart wants to wait to see what will happen. I have hope, and i just wonder if that hope is actually holding me back?

Thank you so much for any light you can shed on the situation.

Dear P,

You are very early in the grieving process. Yes, you are grieving a lost love, an important relationship that has "officially ended". You are lonesome, and miss him, and in denial. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and let yourself grieve. And do not try to revive this relationship right now.

A few thoughts:

Keep your distance, at least for now, while you're not thinking straight. Don't contact him, like you always did in the past. If he does contact you for any reason, keep it cool and cordial, but do NOT agree to see him for any reason. Tell him you need some space now, too. (You really do).

This will serve two purposes:

  • He needs to realize that you are not there waiting for him, at his beck-and-call, should he decide he wants you back. He needs to understand that he may well lose you forever. This should make him do some true soul-searching.
  • You do need some space and time right now. To get past the initial hurt of rejection and explore your own situation without passion and emotion.

Your story of the time spent with this man is a tale of chaos, conflict, and unhappiness. Do you really need that in your life again? There really are other men out there who might be a better fit for you, who could provide a more stable and serene love relationship. Maybe this "cycle" needs to be broken.

My advice:

Give this lots of time. Allow yourself to grieve fully the death of the relationship. Then do some soul searching and ask yourself that age-old Ann Landers standby question: "Am I better off with him or without him?"

I think deep down inside, you already know the answer.
Hang in there, P, brighter days are ahead for you!


Read more interesting advice for the lovelorn here: Dear Stella


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