love or guilt?
I am very confused of what I am feeling right now. I can't determine whether I'm inlove or guilty. Here's my story:
A guy and I were classmates since grade school up to high school and we belong to the same circle of friends. We were close and even called each other "best" though we were not really best friends. I was not oblivious to the idea that he liked me for a long time already. He actually showed me that he cares and admires me. However I always tried to act like I have no idea of what he feels and I just don't take him seriously because:
1) We were too young . 2) He is known as a play boy. 3) He had not actually talked with me about his feelings. 4) I have many other things to prioritize. Of course he is important to me. We have lots of good memories together: he gave me his rose and was my first dance during our prom; we were the dance partners in our PE class; he always remembered me on Valentines day...but the thing is I was just contented of our friendship and want nothing more. I didn't mind about him liking me. All I want is for us to remain friends... or so I thought.
Now that we are in college (different universities) he tried to court me. I was not sure about the idea of him courting me but I gave him a chance anyway. He asked me out (which I declined), he gave me cakes, and drove me from school to my apartment. After about 3
weeks, I felt distracted in my studies and was very afraid that my parents might know about this, so I decided to tell him to stop courting me and that it will be best if we just remain as friends. So he stopped. But he stopped not just courting me but also being a friend. He stays away from my life. We don't have any communication. He didn't even attend our high school reunion and get together. He shut me out of his life. He never showed up on my birthday which made me really sad. At this point I realized that I want him to be here with me. Maybe I already love him from the start but I was just too stupid to realize it? Or maybe I was just scared that we might lose our friendship if the boy\girlfriend thing won't work out? I don't know. All I know is that right now, I miss him so much. I tried to reach out to him but it was no use. Everytime our friends talk about him, I feel uncomfortable. I just find my self reminiscing the times we were together and wondering if he would come back to my life. This is all my fault. I am to be blamed and I regret every chances I waste.
I am writing to you with the hope that you could give me advice of what should I do. I miss him but I don't know if it is because I've always love him or I just feel guilty of the pain I caused.Can you tell me how to figure out my feelings? thank you.