Major Bump in the Road... the Baby Might Be His!

by Amanda
(Blackfoot, Idaho, USA)

Maybe someone can help me!! I have been seeing this guy for a few months and I am totally and completely in love with him. I was going to uproot my life and move to be with him.

He has told me he is in love with me and can't wait to marry me, wants me to be be the mother of his children and all that. So anyways, everything was going prefect, almost too perfect.

His ex girlfriend (who cheated on him and got pregnant) has sworn up and down for months that the baby isn't his until now. She is telling him now that there is a chance that it's his.

Anyways, he tells me he needs me in his life and needs me to be there for him, but that we jumped too fast and need to slow things down. And now he's saying that he just needs me to be his friend..his best friend. He says don't think that there is not a future for us.. because there is, and if all this hadn't blown up in his face, things would be way different.

I guess I am just having a hard time understanding how someone can tell you they are totally in love with you one week and then a few days later say that we need to just be friends for now. We are in a long distance relationship which makes this twice as hard but I was planning on moving to where he is in a few months.

I am just wondering what I should do. I want to be there for him and I want to love him. But I don't know how long I can wait for him. It's literally killing me inside. I have never been so depressed in my life. And I am scared to lose him.

I have told him time and time again that I am not going anywhere and if the baby is his, I will be there and love that baby as my own. Anyone have any advice???

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Stay put!
by: Stella

Dear Amanda,

Do not uproot yourself and your life and move for this guy! He needs time alone to sort out his life. It sounds like he is still very much tangled up with his ex and her child. She is playing serious mind games with him. And you are just a complicating factor to him right now.

Your instincts are right on when you ask how a man can say he loves you and wants to marry you one week, then just wants to be "best friends" the next.

Sorry, but he sounds like a loser to me. Stay put. I know you are hurting right now, and I don't want to make light of your pain and fear. But I would approach this relationship with tons of caution. It may be best for you to just take your lumps and move on.

Good luck,
Stella

Thanks
by: Amanda

So I have re-read your advice several times, and I was a little taken aback that you would say he is a loser... because he definitely is not. But anyways, it turns out the baby is his. So now he is more confused than ever. I asked him if he was scared to see me and he said yes because he wouldn't be able to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me to my face. I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him and he said the strong part of him says yes and the lesser part of him says no because he doesn't want to hurt me. Which I understand but I am already hurting so what is the difference? He has been completely honest with me through this whole thing. Do I wait for him and give him his time to figure things out or do I cut my losses now? I love him completely and do not want to lose the best man I have ever had. But I am so sad all the time, and its starting to take its toll on me.

He still ain't doin you right...
by: Stella

Amanda,

Sorry if I put you off by calling this guy a loser. That may have been pretty harsh, as he just sounds like a regular kinda guy, after reading your second letter.

I still stand by my advice, though. Firstly, even if it is his baby, that in itself should not be enough to make him go back to the other woman. A marriage based on obligation only ("shotgun wedding") is doomed to failure.

He can accept responsibility for the baby, legally and financially, without ending his relationship with you. Why is he doing that? Confused? He probably is, but the story just doesn't add up, you know? It sounds like he is still emotionally wrapped up in the prior relationship.

If I was you, I definitely wouldn't wait around while he "decides". I know you are hurting, and not ready to jump back into the dating game. But stay where you are, definitely don't move, and try to get on with your daily life while you heal from this major hurt.

In the throes of early grief, you may feel he is the best man you have ever had, but honestly, he ain't doin' you right. Time will help you heal and see this whole situation more clearly from a distance.

Best of luck, dear.
Stella

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