Marriage Problems

by Confused Wife

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. For the past couple of months, we have been having some problems. We argue pretty much all the time. It's mostly him. He never wants to spend time with me. He never wants to hug, cuddle, hold hands, or anything that a young newlywed couple is supposed to do. Every time I try to cuddle with him, he always wants me to get up. He always has an excuse why he doesn't want to spend time with me.

I've really gotten to the point where I'm sick of trying to spend time with him. When we go to bed, he lays far away from me with his back turned away from me. I don't know what to do anymore. Most of our arguments are because he doesn't show he cares anymore. I love him and I don't want to just leave him, because we have a one year old together. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm begging for attention. I'm unhappy and I really dont know what to do anymore. Could you please help me and give me some advice.

Thanks, Confused

Answer From Stella:

Hi Confused,
I am so sorry to be a wet blanket, but things don't look too rosy for the future of your marriage. One really important question I have is this: did your husband act this way before, or is this new behavior?

Was he always kind of a cool cucumber, or was he loving and affectionate in the beginning? You may have just paired up with a guy who finds it hard to show love and affection, period. If you knew this in the beginning, then you should not expect to change a man after marriage, it just doesn't work that way. You should have made the decision whether you could live like this before you married him.

On the other hand, if he was a loving partner before and now he has totally cooled off, then things don't look promising. He is finding it hard to show emotions he doesn't feel. Why the change of heart? Can't really tell from your submission.

One last observation, you stated you didn't want to "just leave him" because you have a child together. You did not say you didn't want to split for reasons of your own. This just doesn't sound like the foundation of a strong marriage on both your parts.

Regardless, if you do want to try to save your marriage, you're going to have to get him to the counselor's table. If all you two do is argue over this, you need some professional marriage counseling to intervene and perhaps help turn things around.

Good luck to you both, I wish happier days ahead for you.

~Stella


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by: Confused

Dear stella,

When me and my husband first met, he was loving and paid attention to me. I mean it wasn't alot, but it was enough for me. Now it's hardly ever. I just don't feel like he is attracted to me anymore. I don't know if it's something I'm doing or what. And I don't want to leave him, because I really do love him. I'm just trying to figure out why he's became so isolated. I really want to work things out, but every time I bring it up it alway turns into an argument. I really do love my husband and I want things to work out for us, and to have a happy and healthy relationship!
Thanks, confused

Answer from Stella:

I am so very sorry, but it really will take two to fix this. There has GOT to be some way for you to break through to him and have him open up to you, no matter what is wrong.

You are going to have to push the issue, or you will be doomed forever to a one-sided, very unhappy relationship. I would suggest that you tell him you have been pushed to the edge, and if he will not tell you what is wrong, then you fear for your marriage.

If things are exactly as you describe them (and this is important), then something is definitely wrong, and he needs to tell you what it is so you can get on with your life, either with or without him.

I am sorry, there doesn't seem to be an easy fix for this one. I was once in this situation, and it turned out that my husband just didn't love me anymore. I was devastated, but at least I had an answer and could move on. We got divorced and I eventually healed.

I am not saying this is the case with your marriage, I hope not. But he needs to come clean so you two can try to mend your broken relationship.

Good luck,
Stella

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