Married But Lonely

by Debbie
(South Africa)

Hi Stella
I am a 48 year old female, married for the 2nd time been with my present hubby 16 years. My problem is my husband.

He has no respect for me, always been like that but it didn't bother me because I always thought that is the way he is. But now years later he is out of control.

Now the other day I was going over my marriage and it hit me that my husband and I never went out as a couple ever, and he refuses to take me out any where. We bought a car together but I don't get to drive in the car because he says it's a privilege for me to drive in it. It's like when I do something right in his eyes I get rewarded with a lift or something.

He verbally abuses me and is always spiteful. He has made his bank account a dual account which means I have signing power and my own atm card, but I can only draw a certain amount of cash for the household. He has this sms thing that goes off when you withdraw cash, and God forbid should I withdraw more that I should, then all hell is loose.

When he get invited to weddings or stuff he never takes me with. I don't get to go with him when he goes to his family and I hardly... actually I never get to see mine because it's difficult getting there via public transport...

I don't have any friends at home and the only thing I get to do is work and sit at home listening to music and that now is also taken from me as he kicked my radio and tape broken.

He's always blaming me for everything that is going wrong, and he told my daughter that I am rude and do not want to take responsibility for my actions. I think, what the hell is he talking about, I don't even speak to him because he is always putting me down?

And as far as intimacy goes there is ZERO, he don't touch me or kiss me or show any romantic notions. We haven't had sex for few months now and when we do there is no touching no kissing just him ... either I have to sit on top with my back turned to him... or I lie on my side... or I kneel with my back to him... and I shouldn't even ask him about this lousy sex because it is and heaven forbid if I do... and all it comprises of is 5 min if I am lucky, then I have to wait another couple of months to get some... I hate having sex with him because it's so unfulfilling.

He is always telling his friends how great our sex life is and always pulling in to say yeah that he is the best. I know that he is probably fantasizing about having great sex & I still have to experience that.

I know you're wondering why I am still with this man...I need him financially, otherwise I will not be able to cope on my own financially, as myself and him are the only breadwinners in the house.

I have spoken to my 3 daughters to go out and find a job so that things can become easier for me. Then I wouldn't have to support them.

Please give me some advice on what to do, I hate him.....

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From Stella,

Debbie, I am so sorry for your problems. You are miserable and living in hell. I will make my advice short and sweet.

People will only take advantage of you if you allow them to. You have allowed this tyrant and bully to totally dominate and emotionally abuse you for many years, so I am not sure you will have the strength to break past habits and assert yourself in your marriage. But you will have to if you want to change things and get your pride back. Just don't let him take advantage of you any more, it's that simple.

Part two of my advice: you only get handed one life. No matter the financial situation, if you want to spend the rest of your life in hell, go ahead. If you want out, figure out a way, there must be a way. It's your life you are throwing away.

Good luck, dear, you will need it. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find a way out of your miserable existence.

Stella

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