My Guy Likes Porn: I need another persons's opinion...

by Bianca
(Florida)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been living together for almost 2 months. Before moving in together, we had this issue that he was registered to a wesbite for phone sex so he can please himself while I was not around. I made it 100% clear it would have to end once we live together, and he lived up to his end of the bargain.

The issue now is that he was always watching a lot of porn when I was not there, and I know that is normal for guys, but I assumed he would stop once we are living together because we have a VERY healthy sex life. I didn't think that not only there would be no need, but that he would know it bothers me because I had mentioned it. So I brought it up to him after I found out that when I would leave for school, he would get off watching the porn.

I confronted him that I did not like that. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong or as if I am not good enough for him mentally and physcially. He would stop for a while and then all of a sudden I would find out it happened again. Every time it did, I brought it up, which led to a small fight because of how embarassed he was. He told me he does have intentions and plan to stop, but when he is ready. Kind of like a slow process and he will ONLY do it if he really feels the need to. Which makes me worry it is an addiction.

Then today I walked in on him while he was masturbating and watching the porn online and another fight began. But bigger than usual. I had never actually caught him in the act, so this was really awkward and it angered me, that right after I leave for school he HAS to do that. Why not just hold off until I am home to have sex? To clarify one thing, I am very sexually active and have a very high sex drive, so it is not as if I will not have sex with him whenever, if ever he would want to. I just feel betrayed and hurt by him, especially since he knows I do not like it.

Every time this issue comes about, my anxiety gets worse and I feel a bit depressed. Even worse is that I worry it is going to push us apart, and I do not want to lose him. Regardless of how all this sounds, he really is a GREAT guy and puts me before anyone and everyone. I just need some advice as to what I should do, because a part of me is thinking to just let it go and never bring it up to him so we will not fight and allow him (if he really wants to and cares enough to) stop on his own when he is ready.

The last thing I would like to mention is he today put a password on his laptop so I will not check it. Yes, I understand that checking it is wrong, but when I have a reason to, I do not see it that way. His actions cause mine. If he wasn't doing any of that, then he wouldn't have anything to hide, and I would not need to check anything. I am very angry he put a password, because I feel once a couple is living together things should not be hidden! I feel almost betrayed with this. It really makes me feel like he has stuff to hide and wants to make sure I have no access to it and I am not sure if our relationship could move forward like it should with these restrictions and secrets.

Please let me know what you think because I am so very unhappy and I need to know if my feelings are justified or if I am looking to much into it and worried for nothing.

PLEASE HELP!
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Answer from Stella:

Hi Bianca,
You might not like my answer, but this is how I see your situation. You are not the first one to write Dear Stella about a problem with "my guy likes porn". First of all, keep in mind that you will not CHANGE him. You might force him to keep his fetish/addiction private and secret with your anger, but he will keep on doing it, I guarantee. Unless he himself decides he has a problem he would like to overcome and gets counseling willingly.

You see, every guy has his own personal, private sexual preferences. Each one is unique as to what turns him on. For some guys, it might be sex with more than one girl at a time; another might have an underwear fetish; another might be into leather and whips; and another man might just love to have sex in a rocking chair with his socks and hat on. Some of these fetishes or preferences are dangerous or harmful, whereas most of them are relatively harmless.

In your boyfriends case, he gets off on online porn. Pure and simple, and this is not going to change. He may quit doing it at your insistence, but he will resent you for taking this outlet away from him, or he will sneak and do it when you're not around. He may be addicted to online porn, (this is definitely a common problem, judging by my mail), but that really is not the issue. Your guy loves this form of sex. Can you learn to live with it for the sake of your relationship? You may be justified in your anger and frustration, but in this case, being right, and justifying your feelings doesn't solve the problem. You may be "right", but you ust may find yourself alone, too.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is sad that men like to do this, but then I am a woman, not a man. Most men would say this is harmless sexual behavior. You are taking it as his personal statement that you are inadequate in bed, when in fact, it probably has nothing to do with you... he just likes it on the side.

P.S. I do not think you have a right to his password just because you are living together, or even if he was your husband. Everyone deserves a tiny bit of personal privacy when it comes to mail, email, voicemail, and passwords. The ONLY time I think someone is justified in snooping through their partners stuff is when they have high and very real suspicions the mate is having a true, flesh-and-blood affair.

Good luck to you, Bianca. In a nutshell, yes, your feelings are justified. But do you want to lose your guy over this?
Hope this helps!

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Comments for My Guy Likes Porn: I need another persons's opinion...

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UNHAPPY OR NOT?
by: jeremy

Porn can become a big issue in a relationship because the other person feels as if they are not what the partner enjoys as in sex. Porn can also lead to cheating if it gets out of hand. If your unhappy and you have processed him telling him how it bothers you and he doesnt care then why stay with him ....

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