Need advice as to whether to end a marriage

by Paul
(Sylmar, CA USA)

A few weeks ago I asked my wife to follow me to a motorcycle dealer to get my bike serviced. When we arrived she walked up and threw my truck keys on the motorcycle gas tank. This made me angry but I remained cool, we dropped the bike off and went for lunch as we planned. Had a nice lunch and controlled my anger. Later that night she went to bed without saying goodnight which we did every night. When I discovered she was in bed I went to the room and said your not saying goodnight to me. Her reply was, why should I your mad at me. I told yes I was mad. She got out of bed and went to the living room, where the discussion got heated. I picked up one of her very expensive books and said how would you like it if I threw this out in the street. She grabbed the book out of my hands and became aggressive. I told her to leave, she grabbed her purse and walked to the front door. At the door I tried to grab the book from her hand. She threw a punch hitting my face and cut it with her wedding ring. I closed the door on her and locked it. Next morning found her sleeping in another one of our bedrooms. Told her to get up she did and began collecting her clothes purse and keys and left. Several hours later she returned saying she had rented a room from an older man she worked with, and said we should get a divorce, which we had been discussing for 3 months, for financial reasons. Over the next few days she moved all her personnel property out. On the last day she said file for the divorce. I had a martial settlement drawn up. I called her and told her to stop by and pick up a copy and read it and tell me if it was acceptable to her. Basically she keeps her personal property, car, bank accounts and retirement accounts. And I kept mine. During the marriage we did not co mingle funds, each of us had separate accounts, our arrangement for 16 years. 12 living together and 4 married. The house we lived in was owned by me and was paid off in 2002, long before we married. We split the grocery bill, we each paid our share of car insurance, she did pay the telephone/cable/internet bill. Which was $120/ month for the last 4 or 5 years. I paid for everything else house insurance, water & power, natural gas bill, property taxes, etc. We do have a pre nuptial agreement spelling most of this out. Now she's telling me she's in no rush to divorce, and she's squabbling about minor things like she want the dishes because she paid for them. They cost her $30.00 or so, and a $100 DVD which she paid for, and a $150.00 vacuum cleaner we each paid half for, and she wants my dog that is licensed to me. I told her take the DVD. Furthermore I told her she had been living rent free for 16 years and I didn't think it was unreasonable to leave the dishes and vacuum, and the dog was staying here. I think she has had a change of mind about leaving but she claims no. I can't figure out why she is being so petty over a couple hundred dollars. Her net worth is a high 5 figure number, and mine is a high 6 figure number, most of which I had when we met. She on other hand had a thousand dollars and her personal effects
Any advice or insight would be appreciated, as I am completely confused as to how to move forward. As for me, I admit that I don't want to be married to her anymore, but might consider living with her, if we shared all the household expenses.


Answer from Stella:

Dear Paul,

The answer to your problem/question lies in two places:

1. In your last paragraph: "I admit that I don't want to be married to her anymore".

2. In your heart. Nowhere in your post did you even mention the word LOVE. If there is no love in this relationship, then dissolve it. If there is some love involved, decide whether it is worth fighting for or not.

My guess is this marriage is doomed, but only you can decide whether it is important enough to save.

Hope this helps!

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