No sex marriage

We have been married for over 6 years now. We are from two different countries, with different background. We fell in love and married 4 months after we met.

The first year went very well, we barely fight. The second year we were living in two different countries because I had issues with my greencard. After a year and half apart, we were finally in the U.S. together. Since then, we started fighting a lot and then went through a lot of stress and sadness.

But no matter how hard we fought we are still together because we both have the love from the first year and we both can not let it go. Because of the fights, my husband stopped making love with me the first year we are here in the states. In the last 4 years, we don't have any physical connection. The reason he gave me is we have fought many times and he lost physical attraction for me.

He knows that I have needs and I am not happy, but he just simply can't do it. He is very different from the person I met back in my country, he was so outgoing. But later I learned that he had a depression problem before he met me and he was taking some meds.

He started having depression again after our fights and he never really goes out or has any friends in this city. He spends most of his time by himself. He is a part time student and doesn't have a stable job. So I am making most of the money and have to support this family.

I don't mind doing this if he can be more intimate with me and show me that he loves me. But he won't give me a kiss until I ask. He goes to bed at 6 or 7 AM which means we can not even relax together at night.

All these things have made me want to leave him but I still love him and I have accepted all these things because I told myself many times that no one is perfect. I am not happy and I do have temper because I am not happy.

When we fight, he tells me how I made this house an unpleasant place for him to stay, and how I made his life so unhappy. He wants me to leave him and get a divorce. But after a night, we both can't do it, I think because both of us still love each other, but in a very painful way.

I am very confused now. I came to this country all for him. I told him that my life could be so much better if I was alone in my own country, but I came here because I wanted a life with him. I wish he could live as a normal person who gets up in the morning and has a normal life, that is all I ask for.

His answer is , if I can be happy and not have a temper in the first place, he would be happy and treat me nicely and give me what I want and need, including sex. But he is not going to be happy or it will take a long time for him to heal if I still have a temper. It sounds like I am the key person in this relationship. But where is the part that he can work to help? I asked him.

We have been together for over 6 years, I am 29 now and he is 33. Our best part of life is like this under all the unhappiness. But neither of us has any sign of changing anything or moving on to a new life. It is an endless circle which no one knows how to fix or how to quit.

I need help with this because I am in so much pain. I have to decide what I want to do next. I love him so much and I have changed to become someone who can accept a marriage with no sex. But is this really a marriage I deserve? I don't know anymore.

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Well, first of all, you are so wrapped up in this and so upset and miserable that I think it is hard for you to really see what is going on.

If you have accurately described what has been happening in your marriage, then this is what is going on, from an outside point of view:

Your husband suffers from serious clinical depression as well as sexual problems. Sometimes lack of sex drive can be linked to depression. But he obviously has no sex drive whatsoever, and that is not normal.

On top of that, he is emotionally abusing you. He is blaming you for what sounds like his own serious inadequacies.

He needs psychiatric help, and most likely could benefit from medication. And you both need some marriage counseling if you are going to save this union. It may be possible to save this, but only with professional help and a lot of hard work, from BOTH of you.

It is not normal and you should not spend your life with a man who is unwilling to show any affection or share intimacy with you.

If he refuses to get help, think long and hard about what your life will be like for the next 50 YEARS if you stay in this miserable relationship. You only get handed one life, dear.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need some straight talk at this point or you wouldn't have written in.

Good luck to you, I do wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
Stella

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