Perfect partner but her kids dont want their dad ( rip ) replaced

by Eamonn
(Ireland)

Hi Stella
I recently met my dream lady and we are both very very happy with each other, we are so compatible with each other it is unbelievable and sometimes I would be thinking about her and the phone would ring or I would receive a text message saying that she was thinking about me.

We are both in our early forties, my girlfriend has 3 girls 10 , 14 , 18 and this is her first serious relationship since her husband of 20 years passed away 4 years ago. All her friends and family are happy for her but her kids are giving her a lot of grief and don't want her to spend nights with 'HIM'.

Only today her youngest broke down on the way to school and said to her mum, you now have (Named Me), and I don't have any dad. Recently we went away for 2 nights and when my girlfriend got home her kids had taken photos of their dad from beside her bed and also grilled her in relation as to what, where and all the sleeping arrangements and Mum please don't do anything and remember Dad.

So Stella what is the best way to make sure that we will all be happy and for my girlfriends sake that she won't be getting as much agro from the girls. From where I stand she is a great mum and has done a great job so far on her own.

I know that I will never replace their dad and don't intend to even try, all I want is for this relationship to continue, as I don't want to lose my perfect lady!! I am also out of a marriage and have two young girls of my own .

____________________________________________

Answer from Stella:

Oh, Jeez, Eamonn, my heart breaks for you on this one. Unfortunately, for any relationship, all the baggage that comes with it may affect the outcome. In other words, there is more to a relationship than just love; and the day-to-day problems can impact it heavily, if you don't work at making it work!

Sometimes, no matter how hard it is for the children, and how much they want otherwise, the adult parent must take the reins and just do what is right. In this case, your lady has spent four years alone, and all she wants is to find a little peace and happiness now (with you). And she needs to stick with you, no matter how the children feel in the beginning.

One day, those girls will all be out on their own, with their own partners, trying to find their own happiness in life. And where will their mom be? All alone because she sacrificed her own life and happiness to them? I don't see it that way. She only gets handed one life, and she should make the best of it. Her children will eventually grow up, and hopefully as they mature, they will realize how selfish and cruel it was for them to insist their mother not have a love life beyond a dead man. As for now, if you persevere, be patient, but stick to her; they will see you loving and respecting their mom, and may lighten up a little over time. Their guilt-trip tactics right now are selfish and just downright mean.

A little family counseling wouldn't hurt here, either. Just a few sessions with the right counselor might help those girls with their grief, and to understand mom's situation a little better.

Good luck to you both. Don't let happiness slip through your fingers because of the unresolved grief of children. Sounds like they all could use you in their lives, whether they realize it or not.

P.S. If you agree with my advice, I would share it with your girlfriend. And maybe the two of you should have a sit-down talk with the girls to explain and ask their cooperation.

Kind regards,
Stella.

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