Please HELP Me

by Jenny
(Scotland)

Hi Stella,

I am a woman in my 40,s who has been married for 20+ years,i had a very insecure childhood which had me loking for love despaerately, i had my first love who adored me and we lived together but i ruined hte relationship by smothering him and not letting him breathe so we ended it, anyway i went through a spiral of relationships lookign for someone to love me for me, but never found it then i found my husband, he wasnt my type but he stooded by me with all my insecurities and gave me a child i never though i would have, over the years i have always had depression and my husband has had mental health issues with breakdowns and other health stuff which i have supported him through, i also got myself educated and got a good job, hubby keeps losing job but keeps taking money off me and say i earn good money and can keep him (which i really cant afford but i have all the pressure), we have been bankrupt and it was all my fault, he has smashed things in my house tried to top himself etc.. we have nothing in common and i continually ask him why we are together he says it because he loves me, we dont go out together unless with friends and even then he dosent sit with me, he also moans about my behaviour, we dont agree on tv or music and we hardly ever have sex, we r lucky if it every couple of months and only when i say as i feel it is like a chore, never had butterflys or feelings for sex with him, he now annoys and irritates me, i tried leaving a year ago and many years before tried counselling cause i keep telling him im unhappy and i want more for both of us but he dosent seem to think anything is wrong and tells me to behave, im sick to the back teeth of being alone as he is always out at his sports and i am in bed when he comes home, so no conversation again. i got in touch with my first love who i have such strong feeling and emotions for, i have never felt with another man its like passion and firewors etc.. he has been searching for me for 20 years as he said he wishes he was strong enough back then to support me, and has never ever stopped loving me, he said i am his first love and he wants me to be his last, we have sooo much in common from personalities, to music, tv, fun and laughter is unreal its as if he is my soul mate the other half of me and wants to move here to be with me but i have said i will leave my husband but not because of him, and we will take things slowly, i know the answer is in here but i need to know others are seeing what i am seeing, do i stay in a sensible marriage where i am unhappy or do i break for freedom live the life that my heart soul and body is yearning for and risk losing everything. please help me

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