Ready To Walk, But Just Cant Leave

by Tina
(Tallahassee, FL)

I'm a 25 year old recent college grad. After 6 years of school, having 2 children, and a whole lot of stress and life ups and downs, I'm ready to make a commitment to my current boyfriend.

He is not the father of my children but he loves them just as much as his own 4 kids. We've been together for a year, we live together, and for the most part we are happy. There have been issues with him chatting online to other women but not what I would call cheating. There have also been a few incidents with his ex's (not his children's mother) that have made me uncomfortable.

I'm not going to make it seem like I've been a perfect angel. I have not cheated but at the beginning of our relationship I misled him to believe something that was not true. At his request I have thrown out old pictures of guys that I had in a shoebox (that mind you I hardly looked at since I was 18). I've grown up a lot since we've been together and made many sacrifices for our relationship.

But he makes me feel like because of what happened in the early part of our relationship, there is little or no redemption for me. He feels that I have a lot of "ground" to make up before we can get back to a "clean slate." He feels that what he gives (or doesn't give) is at a satifactory level because I screwed up when he was being totally "up-front." I don't feel he was being totally upfront himself, but because I am a forgiving person I let it go.

My heart is in love, my mind is telling me we are meant to be, but my legs are so ready to walk out and say that there's nothing left here for me. I have expressed that I am and have been ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. But will it be worth it to continue? Some help is much needed.

Comments for Ready To Walk, But Just Cant Leave

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Can we talk?
by: Stella

Dear Tina,

Your guy is a control freak, and is using a mistake you made years ago to maintain the upper hand in your relationship.

Either his heart is not kind enough to forgive you, or he is just using this as an excuse to hold back and not give his all to your relationship.

Either way, unless something changes drastically, you are headed for a life of misery and resentment. (You are already there right now). Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and let him know how much his attitude is hurting you and threatening your relationship. And for heavens sake, quit telling him you are "ready to do whatever it takes to make this work", and quit "making many sacrifices" for the relationship.

Tell him it is now time for that "clean slate" if this is going to work. It takes two to make a relationship work, and he should be willing to meet you half way now.

You started out your letter saying you were ready to make a commitment to your boyfriend, but ended up saying you were "so ready to walk". Think long and hard and see if things don't change significantly for the better before you commit permanently to this relationship.

Good luck,
Stella


I can't tell you
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't be much help with your problem Tina because I am in the same boat. Your mind is telling you that you're meant to be, but tells me to run as fast as I can because he will continue to put his needs first, he will continue to be selfish.

There's a little voice inside my head that says "Will you ever trust him again"?

Do you think he will tell you he loves you just so he can live off you more cheaply? Will he once again accuse you of cheating and follow you around and try to control you once again?

I know the answer to all these questions and my heart says well... maybe he is sorry... maybe he will try harder to be a good man and friend and maybe I should give him a chance to explain why he did what he did...

My guy is home now from Alberta, he got home last night and he hasn't called yet or came by to see me. I hope he doesn't, because it will be easier to move on that way, and find a good man who doesn't just pretend he loves you.

If he does come by, I need backbone to stand up to all he is and tell him I don't want him back! I know I will lose and be back to square one with him if I don't get that back bone!

I Hear You!
by: Anonymous

You know, I have been living this kind of life for over 30 years. If he has these feelings because of something that happened in the past, well he will not let it go, because he will use it against you in the future.

He will do as he pleases just because he thinks your past will make it okay for him to do it. (If you know what I mean). We are still together, but I feel we seem to be on a different page. I am ready if he decides to leave me for sure...

He left me for two weeks and I thought I was going bananas... but you know what, after the first two days I was alright. It felt good not having to answer to anyone for a change.

Living a life like this is not good and I would not want anyone else to go thru this too, so think long and hard before you make your decision, because I want you to be happy and enjoy the times with your children. Take care and I hope everything turns out well.

Living in Hell
by: lonely

Okay, my relationship is similiar to yours, I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years. He loves my daughter like his own, I am currently expecting our first child together in April. He has denied my unborn child.

Talk is he has been seen with other women at the bar. He has always gossiped about me, put me down, accuses me of looking at other men, cheating, constantly lying. He calls me all kinds of names a whore, thief, con artist and a liar. He says I owe him for living under his roof, taking care of my daughter, and putting up with me.

I have ignored his beatings, drinking, cheating, and never asked him for one cent!! When he starts putting me down, I am the blame for what ever went wrong, and I should just take what he dishes out. He has not offered to buy me maternity clothes, or daycare for my daughter prenatal care. co-pays .

I feel like I am a burden to him, hurt and rejected. I used to have rodeo, friends and my happiness is all gone. I exchanged it all for humiliation, regret and heartache. Ever since I have been with him, his family has talked bad about me, set him up with other women, come after him to go drink.

Last night he quit talking to me on our way home from his son's basketball game and I asked him what is wrong? He told me that I am such a liar that it bothers him. He accused me of looking at a car load of guys while we were driving. I swear I did not see any men anywhere. Then I started crying, pleading with him that I ain't doing that. He just stared at me and said is this what you do when you're guilty or when you're caught?

What do I do?? When we got home me told me that people work on their relationship not run from them; you ruined every one of your relationships before so you better think twice about what you have. He treats me this way and I am just a horrible person that wants every other man, blamed for breathing in and out.

Elizabeth
by: Anonymous

I was in the same boat but now set free!

For over 6 years I allowed a very selfish, self center,controlling man to use me. I allowed him to do what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted. I stood in the background and let him put his needs before mine and said nothing.

This man would yell at me if I was on the phone talking to family..I would get"hang up on her..do not answer that phone" "Who you talking to" and he always had something to say in the background. He would follow me everywhere I went and if he didn't know, he came looking for me. I spent a lot of years looking over my shoulder.

He was 58 when I met him I was 43 years old. I could never do anything right by him; didn't know how to decorate a christmas tree; how to fold clothes right and so on. I had been yelled at, things thrown on the floor when he was upset. I tried to get him out of my home more than once but I got "I love you, and I couldn't do that to you" and he would stay again.

When I had to move out of my low-rental family home, Charlie decided to make plans to get out on his own without me. For a whole year he made my life hell while plotting behind my back that once I found him work, he was going to dump me--- which he did.

He then accused me of cheating on him! I did not! He just needed an excuse. The pain and the anger I feel toward him hurts more than anything I ever dealt with, he betrayed me.

Single almost a year. Glad he is gone.

sounds familiar
by: Anonymous

I was married to this same kind of man. I am now divorced from him two years ago and engaged to another. LEAVE! You can raise your daughter and your new baby without him. You are worth more than the way he treats you. You owe him NOTHING. He will never treat you the way you want and do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that that is the way she should be treated by the man she falls in love with. If for no other reason, do it for her. Show her that you deserve more, because you do. WALK! You will be better off.

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