Sex every 4 years?

by kac146

We got married fall 2003. I was 30 and my husband was 35. At the end of 2004 we had our child. Since the birth of the child, my husband and I have been living like two friends under the same roof.

We pay the bills, drive to work in the same car, go for a coffee at lunch or after work. Our routines have remained the same as when we first got married. The difference is that although we sleep in the same bed, we have only slept together 1 time since 2004!

It is now 2008 and every time I try to address the issue about what is happening to our relationship, my husband insists there is nothing wrong. He says it is just stress and the fact that we have a three year old child that does not allow us the time and does not make it possible for us to be together intimately.

He always seems to switch the conversation around and it looks like I am the bad guy who is not happy with the marriage. The frustrated short-lived discussions end when he asks if I still love him. I told him recently that I love him dearly but I do not have the spark we had when we got married in 2003.

Loving and being in love are two different things and I do not feel the latter since there has been no relationship for years (since 2004 with the exception of that one time in 2006). He gets mad and does not talk and at the end of it nothing is resolved because he thinks we do not have a problem in this relationship.

The reality is that we never had any major issues that caused the drift, albeit all happened undetected and quietly.

I love him and do not want to get a divorce. A friend suggested that it will all come back once we sleep together again. If that were to happen now, I could not be an active participant and would participate mechanically with no emotion involved. The spark is gone.

We are just two friends and not like husband and wife should be... I just can't summon up bygone emotions and pretend that doing it once every four years is the solution to salvaging this marriage.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my situation.

From Stella:

Man alive, kac146, you have a serious problem on your hands!

And no matter what, do not feel guilty. If you have told your story honestly, the problem lies squarely with your husband, not you. It is NOT a normal marriage if you only have sex once in four years. Or two years, or yearly. Or even monthly!

Can you step back and see how abnormal that really is? You have lived with it for so long, it probably doesn't seem out of the ordinary, but it is!

Sadly, I must tell you there is something terribly wrong with your guy. He is either:

1. Totally sexless (the likely explanation)
2. Having a long-term affair with another woman (you probably would have suspected that by now), OR
3. Gay (ditto)

No matter what the cause of this situation, it is not your fault, and seems to have ruined your marriage. If you choose to stay with this man, you must find out the reason why he doesn't want intimacy with you. Tell him you are extremely unhappy and must understand why he avoids sex, or your relationship will not survive. And no more lame excuses. Time for honesty if he wants the marriage to survive.

If he does confide in you, and things still seem salvageable to you, marriage counseling will be a must for you guys. Honestly, it sounds like your husband has some very serious psychiatric problems to conquer. And the prognosis for your marriage doesn't sound promising from here.

I wish there was an easier answer to this, but I can't think of one. Good luck to you, dear, you've got a rough road ahead of you. My heart goes out to you!

Stella

P.S. Your friend who thinks jumping in bed will fix everything is an idiot. This problem runs much deeper than that.