Should I Stay?

by ?

I have been dating a great guy for the past 3 and a half years. In that time we have had very few fights, we get along well, he is generally a great guy. I have never worried about him cheating, I cannot imagine him being physically abusive, no addiction problems, nothing to complain about. He is a good guy and I have no doubt that I can always count on him for whatever I need. We are both divorced (him for 15 years, me for 5), we both had pretty bad marriages and I think we are both cautious because of this.

The problems is I would like to get married again and he says he doesn't ever want to get married again - and if he does it would not be until my son (9 years old) is grown and out of the house.

I have issues with this on many levels - first I don't want to wait 10 years to "maybe" get married again. I am a good girlfriend and a good person - I (like everyone else) deserve to be happy and get what I want. He has children and while they are grown they are still very dependent on him and I don't have a problem with them. In general we have more of a problem scheduling time away together because of his children than we do because of mine. My second issue with this is that he says that he doesn't want to get married mainly because of my child and he doesn't want to raise another kid but his daughter babysits for a 3 year old girl and he has told me and others on several occasions how much he likes this little girl and that he would adopt her if he could (her home situation is not idea).

So I feel like I have put enough time into a relationship that will not ultimately end in marriage and a part of me feels it is time to end it and move on. Then there is the part of me that thinks I may be ending a good thing and that I would be giving up what I have which for the most part is good.

So what do I do???? Should I stay or should I go?? If I decide to go which is the way I am leaning right now - do I give him the chance to marry me or would that not be a good idea because it will taint any proposal of marriage?

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give me.

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Stella's Answer:

All the signs are pointing towards a breakup here. If you will be honest with yourself, even though you say he is a "great guy", you have some deep resentments about some pretty important issues. You want to get married. He does not. You love your son and may well have him living with you much longer than 10 more years. He has very clearly stated that he does not want to live with a child again. This would most definitely put the skids on any plans you might have for a joint household with this guy for many, many years. Is that acceptable to you?

You also resent his double standard (his kids can intrude on your relationship, but not your son). A breakup would be painful, it's true, but not nearly as painful as broken dreams after investing many years in a relationship. There's very serious trouble brewing here, my dear. I cannot and will not tell you what you should do. I think you have already figured that out for yourself.

P.S. Two other points:
1. Do not force him to marry you (or else)
2. Don't settle on a life partner simply because you "might be losing a good thing".

Whatever you decide, I wish you well. You do deserve to get what you want. Life is short.
Stella

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