The Affair

Dear Stella

I've been married for 20 years and most of those years I've been unhappy in my marriage. My husband is a great guy, great father, great friend...I can't really say anything bad about him except I'm just not "in love" with him and I don't think I ever was. I would like to leave but I'm unable to completely financially support myself.

I met a man online who is also married for 21 years and who hasn't had a sexual relationship with his wife in over a decade!! He says they are compatible in other areas of their lives but isn't the intimacy and the deep understanding of each other is what marriage is all about? If you don't have that intimacy with your spouse then what do you have?

Anyway, this man and I started seeing each other almost on a weekly basis for a year until he had to move for his career. Now we only see each other once or twice a year, but we communicate 3-5 times a week.

Over the course of the two years, I found myself falling deeply "in love" with him. I told him I care for him and he reassures me he cares for me but he admitted he's afraid of getting too close to me because he's afraid of falling in love with me. I find we're compatible on the majority of major issues and I truly believe I found my "soul mate" in him. I would love for us to be together but I don't know if he'll ever make that commitment. I'm wondering if I should just let him ago and continue to try make myself happy the best I can in my marriage?


Hi there,

Sounds like this guy has passed you on by, and you don't even know it yet.

I don't mean to be hurtful, but he already told you he didn't want to get too close or fall in love with you. I think you are just hanging on because he is your only way out of an unhappy marriage.

Either get a divorce and go find an unattached man who is interested in being with you, or else resolve to make the best life you can with the "great guy, great father and great friend" you have right under your nose.

Married life is about much more than just romance and passion. If you lose your husband, you might just realize how very much you lost.

Good luck,

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