The old 1-2

by Lisa
(NY)

Me and my fiance have been together for about a year now. We were in love from the very start and our relationship moved fast. We moved in after a month, engaged at 7 months, and plan to marry next year.

We were going to do it this summer but I wanted to give it a breather so we can work out some of the things I feel need working on.

I am only the second woman he has been intimate with. The first one broke his heart and it took him a long time to recover. By the way i am 29 and he is 27.

He has a boat load of issues, intimacy and otherwise, that we are trying to work out. But my main concern, or at least the one we are trying to tackle at the moment, is I feel we missed too many steps in our foundation cause we moved so fast.

In the beginning, he said he was romantic and gave me examples of things he did or likes to do and said because he was hurt he needed time, because he was scared of being hurt again.

We never really went out on dates and he always lets me decide; he never plans for anything, everything is always on me.

Am I being selfish cause I'd like him to plan a dinner every now and again and do something out of the blue to say I love you? We never had that and I want it cause now i feel empty like she got all the good and i got the shell of what's left.

Am I crazy... it's ok if I am, just another quirk in my personality; but I need an outside opinion to ground myself before I go off the deep end.

Thanks - Lisa

Comments for The old 1-2

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Woah!!!
by: Stella

Lisa,

No, you are not crazy. In fact, you are smart to put the skids on this whole marriage thing until you guys sort out some serious issues.

What it sounds like is the magic clouds of early romance have brushed away, and you both are getting a good (healthy) dose of reality.

You sound like you have some grave reservations about this relationship; so please, place the wedding thing on the back burner... for a long time, and maybe permanently.

Marriage is so very hard to undo. The divorce rate would be much lower if people would just take the time... years if necessary... to make a wise and thoughtful decision instead of just leaping into marriage early on. Why do that? What's the rush?

You personally have some decisions to make.

First, accept the fact that he just is NOT the romantic type, and never will be. You cannot change that. Are you willing to accept a relationship without that element?

Second, sounds like some major intimacy problems. He can only hide behind the "I was hurt and afraid of being hurt again" excuse for so long. It is time for him to let that go and show good faith effort to building a stronger, more caring relationship with you.

Sounds like the relationship has some serious work ahead. Don't marry until the work is done.

Good luck!
Stella

Wow
by: Lisa

I was a little taken back with what your wrote but it hit home. I read and re-read and it's true I do have some choices to make.

Accepting the fact that he isn't going to be romantic kills me. I waited on a hope and a dream and an empty promise for so long i was waiting for the fireworks to happen and it would be great!
But what i ended up with was a dud.

He is great just too many hang ups and even though he doesn't try to disappoint me he does.
I didn't know what to do so i figured the best thing was to show him what I wrote and your response.

He flipped out a little. It was funny but in the end he agreed and we are now trying to lay down a plan of action! We want this to work because we love one another dearly. Thanks Stella! You haven't heard the last from me.

If this will help...
by: Stella

Dear Lisa,

If it will help you at all, I am willing to share my story with you.

I have been in a 6 year relationship with what is probably the most unromantic man on the face of the earth. Not only that, he was terribly hurt by his ex-wife in ways that you can only imagine. (infidelity).

So, you see, I have been where you are now. But I persevered, because I saw something solid in this man, something that I needed in my life ( I had a divorce a few years ago after 17 years of marriage).

Romance? What's that? He even suggested that we quit exchanging Christmas and birthday gifts! ( I told him no). I have never gotten flowers from him. My first birthday gift from him was a camoflage fanny pack. Okay?

Yes, I would love to be romanced by him, have him be thoughtful and come up with ideas for romantic "dates" or getaways, but you know what? It ain't gonna happen. And you know what? I don't care. I've still got a good solid man with a tender heart (which I uncovered after 5 years of patient waiting). The stuff we have now after years of hard work is so much more important to me now than romantic gestures, honestly.

Lisa, I don't know if you are with the right man, only you can decide that. And I would like your guy to know that I am not a "man-basher". I love men, and like to have them in my life. That was not the motivation behind my advice to you.

I am just cautioning you two to slow down and let some time pass. Let your relationship mature and wait until you are more sure before you put the "marriage stamp of approval" on it. My guy and I are only just now starting to consider marriage after 6 years together, and we are much older than you two. You guys are so young and have lots of time on your side!

Good luck to you both,
Stella.

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