The one that got away...

by Tim
(Baltimore)

I have been in a marriage to the perfect wife and mother to our 9 year old boy for 10 years. My wife has done nothing but be true and faithful the entire time. My story is a little different.

I have loved my wife throughout our entire relationship, but, I have always felt that inside I was still looking for something. I knew what it was but didn't think it possible. This has taken a grasp on me that has held me back in every facet of my life all the way down to my own personal development.

I was in love with another woman before I knew my wife and it was all I had hoped for, the "magic" was there, only there. I have never experienced that level of emotion before or after that relationship. Unfortunately, we were both too young for such a connection and didn't respect it properly.

It is that which I yearn for, I feel empty without it, as if it is all for naught. I told myself for years that this feeling would fade and be filled with all the joys of a young family, but it did not. I believed all this time that I would likely never cross paths with her again and that maybe it was for the best so as to not upset so many lives.

However, it has come to pass that my yearning is no longer something I can ignore. In addition it has come to be that we have again crossed paths. Conveniently she is recently available (still looking for "happy") and I'm growing weary of hiding my true feelings.

I have been unfaithful to my wife once in the past on a business trip, drunk out of my mind (not to excuse the incident) and spent 3 years in agonizing silent guilt over it. It did not fill the hole it was intended to.

My wife and I make great partners at accomplishing things in life, but I never really feel emotionally connected with her. I'm not sure if I'm asking a clear enough question or not in this message, I guess I just want an outside opinion.

---

From Stella:

Tim,
What you are describing is simply the "magic" of first love, of the early stages of a relationship when things are exciting and new. This magical feeling of infatuation is a wonderful thing, but it's never permanent. That's just the way life is.

If you ever got back together with that first love, the "magic" would be satisfying and soothe your yearning soul... at first. Then, it would fade away and you would be left with a woman who might not be near as good a partner as your wife.

You have said three important things in your letter...
1. You have the perfect wife.
2. You have loved her throughout the relationship.
3. You two make great life partners.

You have found much more than most people ever do, Tim. Are you willing to risk losing all of that just so you can scratch your 10-year itch? Look around you. The world is full of unhappy people who are in and out of relationships all the time simply because they think the "magic" can be captured forever. All the while, the source of true happiness was right in front of them, but they let it get away so they could find the "magic"... once again.

I suspect that you hoped I would say "Go for it... you only have one life". And I do give that advice often... but not for you. I think your source of true long-term happiness is right under your nose. Stick with your wife, and keep your doubts to yourself. You can make your own happiness, Tim, wherever you are in life. Let the past go and nurture the family you have built.

Good luck,
Stella