The one that got away...

by Tim
(Baltimore)

I have been in a marriage to the perfect wife and mother to our 9 year old boy for 10 years. My wife has done nothing but be true and faithful the entire time. My story is a little different.

I have loved my wife throughout our entire relationship, but, I have always felt that inside I was still looking for something. I knew what it was but didn't think it possible. This has taken a grasp on me that has held me back in every facet of my life all the way down to my own personal development.

I was in love with another woman before I knew my wife and it was all I had hoped for, the "magic" was there, only there. I have never experienced that level of emotion before or after that relationship. Unfortunately, we were both too young for such a connection and didn't respect it properly.

It is that which I yearn for, I feel empty without it, as if it is all for naught. I told myself for years that this feeling would fade and be filled with all the joys of a young family, but it did not. I believed all this time that I would likely never cross paths with her again and that maybe it was for the best so as to not upset so many lives.

However, it has come to pass that my yearning is no longer something I can ignore. In addition it has come to be that we have again crossed paths. Conveniently she is recently available (still looking for "happy") and I'm growing weary of hiding my true feelings.

I have been unfaithful to my wife once in the past on a business trip, drunk out of my mind (not to excuse the incident) and spent 3 years in agonizing silent guilt over it. It did not fill the hole it was intended to.

My wife and I make great partners at accomplishing things in life, but I never really feel emotionally connected with her. I'm not sure if I'm asking a clear enough question or not in this message, I guess I just want an outside opinion.




From Stella:

Tim,
What you are describing is simply the "magic" of first love, of the early stages of a relationship when things are exciting and new. This magical feeling of infatuation is a wonderful thing, but it's never permanent. That's just the way life is.

If you ever got back together with that first love, the "magic" would be satisfying and soothe your yearning soul... at first. Then, it would fade away and you would be left with a woman who might not be near as good a partner as your wife.

You have said three important things in your letter...
1. You have the perfect wife.
2. You have loved her throughout the relationship.
3. You two make great life partners.

You have found much more than most people ever do, Tim. Are you willing to risk losing all of that just so you can scratch your 10-year itch? Look around you. The world is full of unhappy people who are in and out of relationships all the time simply because they think the "magic" can be captured forever. All the while, the source of true happiness was right in front of them, but they let it get away so they could find the "magic"... once again.

I suspect that you hoped I would say "Go for it... you only have one life". And I do give that advice often... but not for you. I think your source of true long-term happiness is right under your nose. Stick with your wife, and keep your doubts to yourself. You can make your own happiness, Tim, wherever you are in life. Let the past go and nurture the family you have built.

Good luck,
Stella

Comments for The one that got away...

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the grass is not greener
by: Q

Tim,
From one man to another don't be fooled by that old magic feeling. You have a child and a perfect wife. Who you loved enough to marry. This is gonna sound cold but man-up. If there's no problems don't make any. Double your attention on your wife and child and that hole will close. Don't tell your wife about the slip up. Stop thinking about the past before you mess up your present and future. Stay away from that woman from your past or you'll wish you had when your perfect wife and kid leave you because you can't focus in on them. This is just a warning don't be stupid like I was.

Please Don't Make the Same Mistake I Made
by: Anonymous

Dear Tim:
My heart really goes out to you but please stay with your wife and child.

I had the perfect husband who loved me more than anything and I ruined our relationship because I too was chasing that first love. Just like you, I felt that something was "missing" the entire 9 years of our relationship" because I could never forget about my first love. As fate would have it, I did run into my first love and divorced my husband to be with him.

The biggest mistake of my life. I realized (it only took 2 months) that I did not love my first love and that my husband was everything that I wanted and needed but it was too late when I tried to get him back. My ex-husband is now remarried.

Trust me, I know how you feel. You feel as though you are not creating the feelings but they will not go away. Don't know if you are spiritual at all but if so just keep praying and focus on your wife.

I have been divorced for several years now and I still feel like I should have appreciated my ex-husband because I do not know if I will ever meet another man like him.

Good luck and I hope you stay with your perfect wife because the grass is not always greener.

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